TAPS

Our little family attended out first TAPS event last month. TAPS stands for Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. TAPS provides support to all who have lost someone who served in the armed forces. I've been getting their magazine and emails for almost 4 years. I've always thought it would be good for us to go to an event, but it just never worked out.

One reason I thought it would be good for us to go was so we could be involved with a military event. (TAPS isn't specifically run by the military, but most of their volunteers are military and everything was held on base. The kids get to hang out with service men and women who volunteer to be their mentor for the camp)   The Air Force way of life was something that I really grew to love. I have missed it. I miss my kids being raised surrounded by it. I want them to know what their daddy did, and how much he loved it and WHY he did it. It's harder to teach that when you are removed from all things military.

  I was a little nervous to go actually. I didn't really know what to expect, but hey, we were going to the one in Hawaii, so if we didn't like it I figured we would just go to the beach instead.  It turned out to be much better than the beach.  It was just one day; but it was so good for all of us. The kids did their own thing - broken up into age groups. They got to meet kids who have all lost fathers. I got to meet other widows. It's amazing the instant bond you have with someone when you have that in common. It really did make me feel less alone. It was nice to be around someone who understood in a way that no one else can. It was heartbreaking to hear everyone's story; but it was very healing to be there together celebrating the fact that the people we love LIVED. That is more important then the fact that they died.

Daddy - Daughter

I told Sophie the other day that her dance class was having a daddy daughter party. I told her I could go with her, or Grandpa would love to go.  That she had lots of people who loved her and many people who would love to go.  

“So who do you think you want to ask to come?”

Sophie immediately replied with - “Well, Daddy is going to come with me.”

just matter of fact. Like it was a silly question.

She continued - “I can just explain to everyone in my class that my Daddy is in heaven, so that’s why he’s not playing the games. But that he is always with me.”

In my mind I was thinking a few things at once. That I LOVE this sweet little girl who teaches me about faith, and that I am so glad she knows her Daddy is close and would not miss this little dance party for the world.   I was also thinking that I can’t let her go into that party alone, because that would break my heart. I started to panic a bit, thinking about that.

She was quiet for a minute. And then she said, “ I guess you can come if you want to Mom. You can do the games with me.”

more silence.   and then...

“You know what Mom? I bet I’m the only one who gets to have a Mommy AND a Daddy that get to come. That’s Pretty cool.”

My sweet little Sophie.   Teaches me profound things.

Perspective

My birthday is on Veteran’s Day. It was the greatest day to have a birthday. Brad was always off work and I got to spend the whole day with him. I would wake to breakfast in bed - usually Brad’s famous French toast. (my favorite) He would have something amazing planned every year, little gifts from the kids, big A flowers, and he would clean the whole house spotless. (yes, I know, I was extremely spoiled) 

And all of this on a day that we should have been celebrating him as well. I remember a year in Florida when he was asking if it would be O.K. if he did a fly by at the parade - because, you know, it WAS my birthday and he wanted it to be all about me. Haha. It still makes me laugh when i think about it. - because it is just so like him to me more worried about others.  That was one of my funnest birthday memories - to get to cheer him on as his F15 four-ship flew by in perfect formation.  

He made my birthday’s unforgettable.  

And, for the past few years, unbearable without him. Last year I was thinking I had made peace with this day that my birthday falls on now. It’s kind of like “our” day, we can share it - but these past few days leading up to it I’ve been a mess. Overwhelmed and sad and pissed - and feeling bad for myself. Ugh! In a funk that I would try to shake off and just couldn’t.  

The first year was by far the hardest. I remember not even wanting to get out of my bed. My sweet sister gave me a beautiful necklace that first year. She had taken a card Brad had written in and his finger prints and , i don’t know how they did it, -  but I have this beautiful silver pendant that has Brad’s actual handwriting and print on it.

I love it. It makes me so happy to read it. I can look at that and see:

“I love you Beautiful, Eternally yours, Brad.”  

Reading that in his own handwriting helps me get perspective. 

eternity is a long time. and this life is but a moment. 

This separation will be but a moment.  

Perspective. 

When I have it; I’m good. I feel like I can do this. I’m a better mother, a better everything. I don’t feel like I’m sinking, and I don’t feel alone.

Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been losing it a little. 

And, I know it’s because I haven’t been on a “date” with my husband for a while.  Since I moved back I’ve had a standing Wednesday date with Brad at the temple. (thanks to my amazing Sister in law Lisa who would take the kids for the day) 

I don’t think I realized how much this was helping me hold it together until the Ogden Temple closed - and Sophie started school - for a few hours in the middle of the day (kindergarten ruins your life)  :) so I couldn’t have my “day off” anymore.  

So, I had a much needed date with my husband today.   

And it was a good day.   

Nothing changed. Just tweaked the way I looked at it a bit.

Perspective renewed. 

I went in feeling a little sorry for myself and came out feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. I would not trade places with any of you schmoes :)   

Do you know how many people dream of finding their soulmate and having a family with him and loving every minute of every day they got to spend with him?  

I had that.  I HAVE that.  I’m good. 

Happy Veteran’s Day to my best friend. Thank you for the amazing birthday.

9-11

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was driving to school (I taught 2nd grade) and I heard something on the radio about a plane hitting the World Trade Center. I had only been able to listen for a minute or two before I got to school.  I ran in and when I walked in the office the t.v was on in our principle's office. People were gathered around and saying how they just couldn't believe it....

and then the second plane hit.  It was only then that it was obvious it wasn't an accident.

I remember feeling scared and small. and wondering how I was going to help my little second graders be ok that day; when I was not ok.  That day was a blur. I could not hold back the tears when the towers fell. and I remember thinking I had to pull it together so these sweet little kids would not be more scared. I felt afraid in my own community for the first time.

So during that day what was the most important to you?
What became more important than anything else?
What worries fell away and no longer mattered?  

I know for me, nothing else mattered but my family and my faith. I just wanted to get home and hold my own sweet little second grader Tyler. I wanted to be with my family and make sure we were all o.k.  Every other worry fell away. They were no longer going to occupy my time. Time seemed much more precious.  It seemed silly that they were such a big deal in the first place.

One of the things that made me feel better was knowledge. So I watched the news and discovered talk radio. I wanted to know what was going on.  The amazing stories of heroism and survival; heartbreak and loss - I wanted to know it all. I remember thinking that it was very important for all of us to know about these men and women who lost their lives. That was the way we honor and remember them.

I didn't meet Brad until Oct 2002,   He came and spoke on Veteran's Day to my class that year.  He shared how he had always wanted to fly, and how he wanted to protect this great country that we all have the privilege of living in. Many of the student's asked him about the terrorist attacks the previous year. I remember being so impressed with how he talked to them. He had returned from Saudi Arabia a few months before - He patrolled the no fly zone over Iraq. (Operation Southern Watch)   He talked in terms they could understand (good guys, bad guys) He told them that was his job, to protect them from the bad guys. And that there were many, many men and women all around the country and the world "protecting them from the bad guys" And that the bad guys will never win.

I love this country that we live in.  I am so proud that I am the wife of a heroic man who spent his life defending it - and protecting us.   I Love when people recognize and remember his sacrifice.

So today, we remembered all those lost ten years ago.  we watched the reading of the names and I talked about it with my little girls.   Seeing those images of the towers smoking and people covered with ash brought back all those feelings from that day.  But remembering is good. I remember feeling afraid, and so sad for the families of those lost, (I never dreamed I would have something in common with them)   but I also remembered the amazing stories of heroism and hope.  The love of country and increased faith.

Today, at the dedication of the Flight 93 National Memorial, George W. Bush said,

"With the distance of a decade, 9/11 can feel like a part of a different era, but for the families of the men and women stolen...that day will never feel like history, America shares your grief, we pray for your comfort, and we honor your loved ones."


"One of the lessons of 9/11 is that evil is real, and so is courage,"





Bush said the 40 passengers and crew members left a legacy of bravery and selflessness which inspires America. "For generations, people will study the story of Flight 93," he said. "They will learn that individual choices make a difference, that love and sacrifice can triumph over evil and hate, and that what happened above this Pennsylvania field ranks among the most courageous acts in American history." 


"We have a duty to live our lives in a way that upholds the ideals for which the men and women gave their lives - to build a living memorial to their courage and sacrifice," 


a living memorial. I like that.  We are working on that every day.

Kindergarten

I'm missing you extra today. Sophie starts kindergarten tomorrow and whenever I think about it I want to cry.   It's a combination of many things - I'm a little in denial that she is old enough to go. When I had little babies at home it was easier to deal with the fact that I won't be having any more. As they grow up it seems like that hurt gets a little worse.   Also, I think about all the things she will miss doing with you. School lunch visits and programs, etc. etc. Dealing with little kids who don't understand; saying she doesn't have a daddy. (She actually handles this one really well. - But it is heartbreaking to me to hear her explain. - but simultaneously so proud that she says without hesitation - Yes, I do have a daddy! His name is Brad and he is in heaven. He is hero and he loves me so much!)

I remember you coming to Ty's school in your uniform with all your gear - for the Veteran's Day Program. You made the kids laugh their heads off with your "red face". I'm not sure what it's called when you do that  g-force breathing , but it was a HIT.  You explained all about being a pilot and how planes fly. ( teachers afterward were talking about how you explained lift to them on their level SO well, they wanted you to come teach that unit for them.)  I remember Ty sitting a little taller in her seat and being so proud of her cool daddy.     For some reason  the school memories with Ty  - choir concerts, plays, graduation ceremonies, awards programs, field day, ball games - are all stuck in my brain on repeat and It breaks my heart that Sophie won't have that.

I know this day would be so fun for you. And I know that you will be right here with us. I know I need to get a grip and stop torturing myself with thoughts about all  Sophie will miss out on.  I know I need to stop being pissed that the school deleted all your info I wrote down on her registration card. (It didn't seem right to leave you off, like you were some dead beat dad, when it asked for information about her father; so I put your information in and wrote deceased in place of a phone number.  - When they asked me to double check the info on Back To School night everything about you was deleted. I kindof wanted to go kick the secretary on the way out and ask her if it really would have been so difficult to Type Sophie's Father's name on that stupid little card...)

soooo.... obviously I'm struggling a bit with this one.

The funny thing is - I am a teacher by profession. Elementary.  I quit when Sophie was born.  I should be overjoyed at the thought of her going to school. I love school. I know she will love it.  (and with Addie in preschool I will actually have 2 hours of kid free time, 3 days a week. ) I won't know what to do with myself! I've already got a to do list that would realistically take me about 5 years to complete that I will be working on during that time.

So there are some things that will be fun about it.  Sophie is so excited to go. and I really am excited for her too... I'm just sad about not sharing it with you.

I read this quote the other day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."

I guess it's been raining.  And so I'll just have to try to breathe,  resist the urge to kick the secretary, and wait this one out.  

not really alone

"I miss you extra today." she said as she walked

through the sand and allowed the tears to fall.

The  ocean was their place & she had loved
being there with him. Here he had asked her
to be his forever. They had lived & played
 & laughed  & carved their names in the sand.

It was hard to breathe without him today.

She talked to him as she walked & told him

how she  missed  him & wished he could walk with her.

She felt him  tell her that he was there;

that he was always there when she needed him.

She felt him tell her how he loved her

& that it  would  be  worth  it.

And although she could no longer see his face

she could feel his love lift her

and carry her along as she walked...

and she knew she was not really alone.

I love you my boy

Writer's Block

I have writer's block.

I've been trying to write for the past few months and I sit down and get something down and then I get freaked out about putting it on here. I'm not sure why. Now that this is "public" it is a lot harder for me to just sit down and write about how i'm feeling - I've got all these other thoughts swirling around in my head while I'm trying to do it; and I'm questioning everything I put down and over analyzing it.

Does that sound like I think I know everything? (I'll be the first to tell you that I do not)  Does that sound too whiney, or angry or  whatever ?- or on the flip-side; too rose colored? ( I read one post and thought - That sounds like I've just got it all together and it's not real. I think i've been unconsciously editing out some things because I'm trying to see the positive and I don't want to appear whiney etc. because I realize I have so much to be thankful for and I feel ungrateful when I focus on the negative.  - but I also need it to be REAL. If I edit out every negative feeling then it's no longer real. And the people for whom I am writing -3 little Funk girls - will know that, and it won't be as meaningful as it could be)

I also worry that someone could be offended by something I write. or -  I said something nice about person X and I forgot to mention this nice thing that person Y did..... it goes on and on and you can see why, with all that swirling around in there, I can't get a sentence out.

so..... I've decided two things.
1. I need to write because it has proven to be like therapy to me and my girls will benefit someday. It really has nothing to do with anyone reading it. (It was a lot easier to for me to do it when no one was reading - and it's not even that tons of people are reading; it's just the idea that someone COULD read it that's freaking me out)
2.  - I've either got to go offline or just throw all that crap that's swirling around in my head OUT.

I'm going to choose to do the latter right now.

I'm not going to worry about offending someone - so if you are offended; that's cool. Know that it's not intentional and you are politely invited not to read. It's not being written for you anyway.

I'm not going to worry about appearing whiney, or angry or negative. I'll be honest, I am all of those things sometimes. (I think we all are)

I'm not going to worry about if people think I'm dealing with losing Brad well, or right, or if they think I should "move on" or that I'm livin in la la Land. What would they know about it anyway? Everyone deals with death differently. And just because I deal one way and you deal another doesn't mean either of those are wrong. It's not a right or wrong thing. I have been amazed at how, for some inexplicable reason, people think they need to RATE how someone is dealing with whatever tragedy/trial they are going through  - or offer their opinion or say how they would NEVER do this or can you BELIEVE they are doing that. blah blah blah - Really? (that's an SNL "REALLY?" by the way)  I promise you one thing - you don't know what you would do.  So please don't place judgment on others.

Now... if you think I'm a know it all... you are correct.  Ha! (just kidding, OBVIOUSLY, I have a lot to learn)

 I'm just sharing how I am muddling through all of this. - I talk about the things that have helped me because I want my kids to know where they can turn for help. I need to talk about things that are difficult because I have three little girls in this house who know first hand how difficult it is. And they will continue to have new hard things in each stage of life they go through that are associated with losing their daddy. I want them to know that it is hard; but that they are STRONG. And they can do hard things. And most importantly, that they are not doing them alone.


So, with that off my chest, hopefully I can kick this writer's block.