Dance

You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” - Anne Lamott

Got the broken part down. 

I am working on the dancing part.

See, dancing with Brad was just about the best thing ever.  He was a really good dancer. He knew exactly what he was doing. He would twirl me around, all I had to do was hold on tight and he took care of everything. It was easy. and a lot of fun. 

It's amazing to me how much that reminds me of our life before.  

Now, I'm learning to try and do it on my own. But I never was as good a dancer as he was. I'm clumsy and I fall. And you, know one of the reasons for that is clear. I never was meant to be dancing alone.

Sometimes I have to step back and look at the bigger picture. I have to remind myself that I really am not doing this alone. When life gets busy and crazy and I don't have a minute to myself ... that simple fact gets harder to remember. It gets harder to feel my sweet dance partner.

I love this quote.  I love the twist of perspective. I had never thought to look at never being the same again after this loss as "the good news".  

But it really is the good news.  I will never be the same again. And my dancing will never be as smooth and graceful.  But my sweet husband reminds me everyday in little ways that he is still here. 

So I'll just hold on tight. 

I love you my boy. 

Ty

Brad -
Do you remember when Ty was trying out for soccer at Burkburnett Middle School? And, you must have been flying lates that day because you were home and I was telling you how nervous I was for her and how much I hoped she would make it... on and on. etc etc.

And you just laughed and told me to calm down.  I was starting to explain how hard Ty had worked and that I hoped she remembered everything she had learned from you.

again, you laughed a bit. and said

"Have you met our daughter? She is easily the most talented, smartest girl I know. She is good at everything she tries. No kidding, EVERYTHING."

And then you smiled and said - "It's actually pretty annoying. "  

I'm sure she will make the team. and everything will be fine.

Well, Ty made that team, and everything was fine.

And years passed. And lots of things weren't fine.

But one thing never changed.    Ty is still

"easily the most talented and smartest girl I know."

She has taken that little bit of determination she had at that young age and changed it into something that would shape her very world. Something that would help her to rise up when she was facing really hard things instead of sinking.

I have watched this beautiful little girl go through things that many people, years older than her, haven't had to endure.  I have watched her do this with grace and courage. Always doing her best and giving it her all, even when much less would have been ok and even expected.

I was telling her the other day how proud I was of her.  For always doing her best. In school. In our family. In everything that matters.  
I kindof just want to shout it from the rooftops. 

So that's what I'm going to do for a minute. shout from the rooftops about Ty. 

She is my best friend. 
She is the reason I am sane. literally. 
She is such an amazing sister to these two little girls who copy EVERY SINGLE THING she does. (and that does not worry me one bit)  
She is strong in her faith and brave in the way she lives it. 
She is brilliant - in school and in music.  she has known for years that because Brad was killed in the line of duty, she would have help with school. That she could go to any State school for free. Most kids might think this means they can take it easy in high school and just get by and still be on a "full ride" essentially when it came time for college. (I will admit, I would have done that)  but not Ty. She took some of the hardest classes they offer at her school. AP classes and college classes. Every year. She works her butt off and gets straight A's.  

She fills our house with beautiful music night and day. She really is a total choir geek. She makes me listen to her new favorite composer. And did I notice the 15 part harmony in this song? She can rattle off classical composers that Brad introduced her too and more that she has discovered without him. She lights up when she is doing anything musical. She's either at the piano, on her guitar or singing her heart out just about any moment that she is home.  A few weeks ago Ty was getting ready to audition for music Sterling Scholar at Fremont. And I spent that day feeling that same feeling I had when she tried out for soccer so long ago.   And I got to remember my sweet husbands advice and laugh at how "annoyingly talented" our beautiful daughter is.   And I knew it would be OK even if she didn't get it. I really was just so proud of her for even going to all the work to apply. She spent hours and hours getting her application ready. (and it makes me laugh to say that her resume is probably more impressive than mine:)  

The night before auditions she was saying that she didn't really think she would get it. But that it has been really good for her to just try. And she knew she would regret not trying and she has learned a lot from applying. So she would try not to be nervous during her performance and interview. She would just talk about how much she loves music and how much it has helped her in her life.

Well, she must have let some of that light out during auditions because the music sterling scholar is currently residing at my house :)   And, of course that's really not the neatest thing about her. It's just the most recent cool thing. 

I want to tell Ty how much I love her and what a privilege it is to be her mother. She really is an extraordinary girl. One of the greatest blessings in my life. It was a life changing thing for me to know that my Heavenly Father had entrusted this amazing little girl to me. She amazes me with her strength and the grace that she has dealt with her trials. I learn so much from her every day. 

North Shore

I can not see the ocean without thinking of Brad.  He proposed to me on the beach. We got married and moved a few days later to our home in Florida. Not right on the beach, but close enough that when I needed to see the ocean I wasn't further than about 15 miles away. We spent our first two years of marriage loving being near the ocean.  Our honeymoon was on the beach. We made a million happy memories being on the beach and looking out into that vast ocean.

Our  family trip to Hawaii this winter was very bittersweet - for lots of reasons.  Heading off to a beautiful beach with my precious girls and without their daddy was one of those reasons. Knowing we were going somewhere Brad had loved visiting, and had so badly wanted to take us someday was difficult.  We ended up having a great trip. And I know Brad was with us the whole time. But being near the ocean always makes miss him terribly.

I remember during this trip looking out on those beautiful waves and thinking that they reminded me a little of how grieving the loss of my sweet husband feels sometimes.

 A huge swell came in while we were there and we went out to the North Shore to watch the wonder of the waves. It was amazing to watch them. A photo just does not do them justice. They were the biggest waves I had ever seen. The red flags were placed right up by the sidewalk. The guards didn't even want you to touch the sand, let alone the water.  I watched those waves roll up a few crazy surfers who did not heed the signs. One was trying to get out of the water. He was only a few feet from the shore - maybe 5-10 feet at the most. He was trying to swim out, swimming with all his might and was literally not moving at all. Those waves were so big they broke a few times on the way in. They broke again right where water met sand and were just pounding this poor surfer right into the ground.  The water swirled around ferociously after the break and by the time he got his footing another wave was crashing on his head.

I remember thinking that I know what that feels like.

My grief is somewhat like the waves. There are times went I get rolled up by one of those huge waves and smashed right into the sand. There are also times when it's calmer. When it's just a gentle rolling and while I'm still feeling it, it's not forcing me under and sucking the life out of me.

Everyone always says that time heals. I don't know that I agree with that completely.  Time has definitely helped. I don't know that I would say that it heals. With the passage of time those huge waves seem less frequent. But they still come.  The smaller waves are more common now.  And that is a good thing.  My grief seems to ebb and flow like the tides do.  And it's constant. It changes in intensity. And I'm learning to be a better swimmer; but it is constant. It's always there, swirling underneath even on the calm days.

When I do get hit by a North Shore wave, I know that I'm not swimming out of it alone. There are so many tender mercies I have been blessed with. They are kindof like life jackets that help me keep my head above water.  The nearness of my sweet husband is the strongest of those.  Sometimes he is so close that I look around, sure I will see.  Although seeing would be good; I'll take being lifted up out of those huge waves and being placed in softer seas. That's what he does for me. Still.