Dance

You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” - Anne Lamott

Got the broken part down. 

I am working on the dancing part.

See, dancing with Brad was just about the best thing ever.  He was a really good dancer. He knew exactly what he was doing. He would twirl me around, all I had to do was hold on tight and he took care of everything. It was easy. and a lot of fun. 

It's amazing to me how much that reminds me of our life before.  

Now, I'm learning to try and do it on my own. But I never was as good a dancer as he was. I'm clumsy and I fall. And you, know one of the reasons for that is clear. I never was meant to be dancing alone.

Sometimes I have to step back and look at the bigger picture. I have to remind myself that I really am not doing this alone. When life gets busy and crazy and I don't have a minute to myself ... that simple fact gets harder to remember. It gets harder to feel my sweet dance partner.

I love this quote.  I love the twist of perspective. I had never thought to look at never being the same again after this loss as "the good news".  

But it really is the good news.  I will never be the same again. And my dancing will never be as smooth and graceful.  But my sweet husband reminds me everyday in little ways that he is still here. 

So I'll just hold on tight. 

I love you my boy. 

Five years

Today marks five years since Brad's death. That is crazy to me. Five years sounds like a long time. And it's weird because it seems like a lifetime ago and also just yesterday all at the same time.

I remember very vividly walking in my bed room to get Addie who was six months old at the time of Brad's death. Probably a day or so after. (those days are all kind of a blur,  they all run together)
I remember saying to myself - "my life is over." Just matter of fact. Not trying to be overly dramatic, but stating what was obvious.  Not only did I not want to be here without Brad, but I really didn't believe that I would be able to exist without him. I felt like half of me was literally missing and I didn't see how I could possible survive that way for long.

Now that I am looking back on the last five years instead of living it I've noticed a few things. It is interesting to see the progression.   All the different phases that you go through. I think I was in shock for about 2 years. Just attempting to function and not much else. I remember feeling like an actor in a movie. Pretending everything is fine because that was the only way I could function.  

I think in those five years I went through every phase multiple times. Feeling like I was finally getting a handle on this grief, only to be swallowed up by it the next day.  

Grief , I've found, is frustrating like that. Good one minute, total nut job the next.

I remember thinking, "I will never be happy again." Sure I would smile and laugh occasionally, but I would never really be happy. Not until I am with Brad again.   And that's not a very fun thought. Spending your life, just hoping time passes quickly so we could be together again... not much comfort in that for me. Not really a life, to be honest.

Well, one thing that has been a pleasant little surprise - is that I've been feeling happy lately.  It was honestly something I didn't expect.  And it's not really something I can explain. It's not that the pain of losing Brad is gone... or even bearable on hard days... And I still don't know that I will ever have a "fullness of Joy" without Brad physically by my side. But somehow, there is a calm, peaceful power that comes from being loved by my sweet husband. Somehow, knowing that he is there; and not just on the hard days or the special occasions, but Always.  That knowledge and what it means is finally sinking in. And it's changing me. Empowering me.  And I don't feel alone. Because I'm not alone.  And with that knowledge,  I can be happy here and now.

I am also learning that the powers of heaven are not bound by human logic. 

Elder Wirthlin gave a talk in the first General Conference after Brad’s death. In it he speaks about The principle of compensation: 

“That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I had never heard of (or payed attention too) the principle of compensation. It hit me like a ton of bricks while listening to this talk - that it was true. That the things our family would miss because Brad was taken would be made up for. I initially thought that meant it would be made up for in heaven - when we were all together again... but I have seen over the years the blessings pouring out upon us.

 The  powers of heaven are not bound by human logic.  If you are in a situation where it doesn't make logical sense for you to EVER be happy, or even be ok. Where it doesn't make sense for you to be able to heal- 

That doesn't matter. 

Because the Lords power is not bound by what our human mind can comprehend. 

Many times I've felt the spirit whisper that everything will be ok. And many times I've felt my sweet husbands presence and he has said that it will be ok- and not just ok, but good . And that someday I will understand. And I used to argue - I'd say - well I don't see how that can ever really be true. I don't see how it will be ok for our kids to grow up without their wonderful daddy, and for my littlest girls to not even have an earthly memory of their father . I don't see how that can ever be ok- and how they won't get gipped.  and I don’t see how I will ever be ok - being here without you...

One of my biggest sadnesses was having my children grow up without the influence of their amazing father - but that is already being  compensated for. Somehow, miraculously, my little girls have memories of their daddy. They know him and have a relationship with him. All my girls recognize when he is near.  They are influenced by him and he teaches them. I know he protects us . Somehow Brad is able to provide for, comfort, teach and bless his family - from the other side of the veil.

I know we will all still continue to have things we miss out on by not having Brad physically here with us - and those things are difficult and heartbreaking at times... but I have seen a little glimpse of the way Heavenly father is miraculously compensating for this already -  and it teaches me to not despair about those sad things - but to have faith that the Lord will do what He says He can do.

 I don’t pretend to understand how it works , but I have complete faith that my girls will not be gipped out of having a daddy.  I may not see the interaction, but he influences them, protects them and helps them in many ways I can not. 

I know my Savior is there, and that I can call on him. I feel like he has been lifting me up and carrying me around and steadying me every day for the past five years. And the power you get from the atonement - it’s not just a nice idea. it’s not just a warm ,fuzzy, happy thought, that you think about . You have the ability to tap into a literal power that nothing in the universe is stronger than. Every person on this earth has the ability to use that gift - even if we don't understand how it happens.

And THAT gift is what makes us happy...

Dinner

We sang while making dinner the other day. 

And I missed you. 

But it wasn't the aching, lump in my throat missing you that I usually feel when a wave of missing you comes on.... 

It was just missing you, because I know you would have been singing right along with us and having a great time. 

And we would have laughed at your falsetto. 

It was almost a happy missing - if there can be such a thing. 

Wishing you were here but knowing that you were. 

And being happy that we were singing again. 

And knowing that makes you happy.  

Brad was a fantastic cook. He didn't have a lot of time to cook, but we sure loved when he did. For birthday's in our house you get to have your favorite dinner. That meant Brad was cooking for every birthday. (except his own...but I'm sure if he was honest he probably would have preferred to make that meal as well. ) 

 I remember his first birthday after we were married. He was so cute - he requested an easy meal that we had often....and I still managed to mess it up. But he just said it was great and ate it anyway.

Brad and I would make Sunday dinner together.  He was seriously the sexiest thing ever in his church shirt with the sleeves rolled up and his "manly" apron. (I would tease him about wearing an apron. He would point to the fighter pilot patches on it and declare it to be manly and ignore anything else I said.)

We would turn on some music, cook together and sing at the top of our lungs. (and if you knew Brad you know that means that the neighbors could probably hear him)  Our kids would laugh at us and look at us like we were crazy, but soon they would be singing as well. 

On regular days (when the sub par cook made the meal) he would always make a big deal about how great everything was and he was always so grateful for whatever effort I had gone too.  

Those dinner memories make me happy. But they also make it hard for me to cook dinner now. 

After we moved to Utah I don't think I cooked dinner in my home for about 5 months. It was always something I did specifically for Brad.  I just couldn't bring myself to set the table and make dinner knowing he wouldn't be coming home to eat. Every part of it made me miss my husband so much that I couldn't breathe.  

So I just didn't do it.  

It's almost been 5 years and I still can't say I like making dinner. It's a lot of work for people who would rather have cold cereal :)  but I know it's important for my kids and I to sit down together so I try to make myself do it more.  And I'm trying to remember that just because I'm not making it for Brad, that doesn't mean he's not coming to dinner. 

So singing while making dinner is kind of a big deal at our house. 

It felt good to do that again. 

searching

After Brad died I used to have the most horrible, crushingly sad dream. 

In the dream I had just lost Brad again.  

Throughout the whole dream I was running all over looking for him and I could never find him. 

People I would pass would say, "he just went that way." "he just passed by." "he's just around the corner up ahead."   

and I would follow the trail but he was always just out of sight up ahead. 

I would wake up sobbing. Never having found him. 

I am so grateful I no longer have that dream.

  

And I think I know why I don't. 

Because I have finally learned how to find him again.

and he is right here with us. 

Always.

He is with us everyday.

I can feel him laughing with us and crying with us. 

I can feel him holding me up and steadying me and helping me to do this.

I am still missing him every minute. 

But I am no longer searching for him

Because he is here.  

Fancy Valentines

So it's safe to say that Valentines day is no longer one of my favorite holidays. to be honest, it pretty much blows now. And each year it is a hard day and it seems like I miss Brad more on that day than others....(didn't think that was possible, but I guess it is.)  

so this year I definitely wasn't excited about valentines day approaching, but - I don't know, I just didn't want to hate it this year. I didn't want to be sad and eat chocolate and buy crap I don't need. (those are all things I have participated in QUITE A BIT on previous Valentine's days)

So this year I decided that I would not be sad.  I really didn't know if I could just DECIDE that, but I was going to give it the old college try.  (now, I'm not saying I can just decide not to be sad everyday - so please don't expect that from me ;), but I just don't want to be sad on THIS day anymore.  - tomorrow I may not get out of bed....I  still reserve that right.

I decided to try to make it all about the girls. We planned a Fancy Nancy Valentines dinner (I totally ripped that idea off from my cute sister)  We dressed up and ate all the favorites. (mac and cheese, stovetop stuffing (Addie's favorite - she snuck half the bowl before dinner ever started :) some heart pizza and about 4 desserts.   And it was crazy fun. We laughed and acted all fancy. Got out the stem glasses that I don't believe I have used since Brad died. Grandma joined us, and that was so fun. The little girls loved it, and Ty, ever the good sport, pulled out one of her dance dresses and took dress up to a whole new level.

and sitting here tonight , it's kindof surprising me - because I really didn't have a harder day than normal.  It may sound dumb, but other Valentines days I have not even wanted to get out of bed, or function - so that is a big deal for me.

I'm not sure what is different this year. But I do know that I am learning a little secret. Brad is always close. He is always close when I need him. When I have rough night, or day, or month. But he is also always close when we are happy. And I know that seeing us happy makes him happy. and sometimes I can just FEEL that - him being happy.  It's one of the greatest gifts he can give me. Today was one of those days.  I love that our little party made him happy.  And I love that I'm still learning about how much he influences us and how often he is here -  that he can be physically gone - but oh, so close at the same time. It's kindof a miracle.

Ty

Brad -
Do you remember when Ty was trying out for soccer at Burkburnett Middle School? And, you must have been flying lates that day because you were home and I was telling you how nervous I was for her and how much I hoped she would make it... on and on. etc etc.

And you just laughed and told me to calm down.  I was starting to explain how hard Ty had worked and that I hoped she remembered everything she had learned from you.

again, you laughed a bit. and said

"Have you met our daughter? She is easily the most talented, smartest girl I know. She is good at everything she tries. No kidding, EVERYTHING."

And then you smiled and said - "It's actually pretty annoying. "  

I'm sure she will make the team. and everything will be fine.

Well, Ty made that team, and everything was fine.

And years passed. And lots of things weren't fine.

But one thing never changed.    Ty is still

"easily the most talented and smartest girl I know."

She has taken that little bit of determination she had at that young age and changed it into something that would shape her very world. Something that would help her to rise up when she was facing really hard things instead of sinking.

I have watched this beautiful little girl go through things that many people, years older than her, haven't had to endure.  I have watched her do this with grace and courage. Always doing her best and giving it her all, even when much less would have been ok and even expected.

I was telling her the other day how proud I was of her.  For always doing her best. In school. In our family. In everything that matters.  
I kindof just want to shout it from the rooftops. 

So that's what I'm going to do for a minute. shout from the rooftops about Ty. 

She is my best friend. 
She is the reason I am sane. literally. 
She is such an amazing sister to these two little girls who copy EVERY SINGLE THING she does. (and that does not worry me one bit)  
She is strong in her faith and brave in the way she lives it. 
She is brilliant - in school and in music.  she has known for years that because Brad was killed in the line of duty, she would have help with school. That she could go to any State school for free. Most kids might think this means they can take it easy in high school and just get by and still be on a "full ride" essentially when it came time for college. (I will admit, I would have done that)  but not Ty. She took some of the hardest classes they offer at her school. AP classes and college classes. Every year. She works her butt off and gets straight A's.  

She fills our house with beautiful music night and day. She really is a total choir geek. She makes me listen to her new favorite composer. And did I notice the 15 part harmony in this song? She can rattle off classical composers that Brad introduced her too and more that she has discovered without him. She lights up when she is doing anything musical. She's either at the piano, on her guitar or singing her heart out just about any moment that she is home.  A few weeks ago Ty was getting ready to audition for music Sterling Scholar at Fremont. And I spent that day feeling that same feeling I had when she tried out for soccer so long ago.   And I got to remember my sweet husbands advice and laugh at how "annoyingly talented" our beautiful daughter is.   And I knew it would be OK even if she didn't get it. I really was just so proud of her for even going to all the work to apply. She spent hours and hours getting her application ready. (and it makes me laugh to say that her resume is probably more impressive than mine:)  

The night before auditions she was saying that she didn't really think she would get it. But that it has been really good for her to just try. And she knew she would regret not trying and she has learned a lot from applying. So she would try not to be nervous during her performance and interview. She would just talk about how much she loves music and how much it has helped her in her life.

Well, she must have let some of that light out during auditions because the music sterling scholar is currently residing at my house :)   And, of course that's really not the neatest thing about her. It's just the most recent cool thing. 

I want to tell Ty how much I love her and what a privilege it is to be her mother. She really is an extraordinary girl. One of the greatest blessings in my life. It was a life changing thing for me to know that my Heavenly Father had entrusted this amazing little girl to me. She amazes me with her strength and the grace that she has dealt with her trials. I learn so much from her every day. 

10 Years

10 yrs ago this last weekend I met my soul mate.  

And he changed everything.  

I've been thinking about that magical little weekend 10 years ago a lot over this past month.

Thinking about the totally random miraculous way we even met. (blind date, set up by someone I had met, I think once, about 10 yrs earlier.)

Thinking about talking to Brad on the phone the night before our date - and how easy everything was. He made me laugh and he listened. And I remember thinking, "please, please , please don't be a total mutant. Please don't be 7 inches shorter than me and please be at least a little cute, because I kindof already like you  - and that's kindof a big thing for me.

I remember driving down to meet everyone in Salt Lake and being really nervous and feeling like something big was coming.

I remember he took me flying.  I thought his pilot lingo on the radio was about the sexiest thing ever.

We hung out and talked in my car after the date for a few hours. (we really were just talking people, get your minds out of the gutter)  He told me about his job (that he loved) and his family (that he loved more) and what he wanted out of life.  And the thing that impressed me most about him was that he listened to me. He wanted to know all about Ty and teaching and my family. He wanted to know about things that actually matter.  And just by talking to him I realized the other thing that I loved most about him. That he was good. He knew what he believed and what kind of person he wanted to be. He wasn't overbearing, but he didn't apologize for wanting to live the way he did.

I had some pretty giant walls built up and I guess you could say I had some trust issues when it came to dating. I wasn't about to put myself out there or get my hopes up about a guy I barely knew.  So when he said "I'll call you tomorrow and is it Ok if I stop by on my way back to Idaho?"  I remember thinking that I really hoped he would, but I wouldn't be planning on it. And it was conference weekend, so I wouldn't be getting out of my sweats or combing my hair hoping some guy would show up only to have him not even call.  So the next day when Brad called and said he was on his way I'm pretty sure I had time to brush my teeth and that was about it.

He met Ty and met my family. I remember watching him talk to them and loving that he treated them like they were the most important people in the world. (I soon learned that he treated everyone like that)

And that night I walked him out to his car and he kissed me. And it didn't matter that my sister and Tyler (I mean, my horrible sister and horrible daughter) were peeking through the window and mocked me mercilessly when I came back in the house - because it was one of those movie kisses where music plays in your head and your knees go weak.   One of those kisses where you feel like you are finally home. And finally safe.  I felt all of that that night.  But it would take some time and convincing before my mind would believe it.  It was like somewhere deep down my spirit was saying - Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you.

I remember mustering up enough courage to say - "This was fun, you should call me next time you are in town." (that was about as forward as I was capable of being)  

And I remember Brad smiling and saying, "Oh, I think I'll be calling you before that." 

And he called every day after that.  

And that was the beginning.

He took me flying that first night. And has been teaching me to fly since.