searching

After Brad died I used to have the most horrible, crushingly sad dream. 

In the dream I had just lost Brad again.  

Throughout the whole dream I was running all over looking for him and I could never find him. 

People I would pass would say, "he just went that way." "he just passed by." "he's just around the corner up ahead."   

and I would follow the trail but he was always just out of sight up ahead. 

I would wake up sobbing. Never having found him. 

I am so grateful I no longer have that dream.

  

And I think I know why I don't. 

Because I have finally learned how to find him again.

and he is right here with us. 

Always.

He is with us everyday.

I can feel him laughing with us and crying with us. 

I can feel him holding me up and steadying me and helping me to do this.

I am still missing him every minute. 

But I am no longer searching for him

Because he is here.  

Fancy Valentines

So it's safe to say that Valentines day is no longer one of my favorite holidays. to be honest, it pretty much blows now. And each year it is a hard day and it seems like I miss Brad more on that day than others....(didn't think that was possible, but I guess it is.)  

so this year I definitely wasn't excited about valentines day approaching, but - I don't know, I just didn't want to hate it this year. I didn't want to be sad and eat chocolate and buy crap I don't need. (those are all things I have participated in QUITE A BIT on previous Valentine's days)

So this year I decided that I would not be sad.  I really didn't know if I could just DECIDE that, but I was going to give it the old college try.  (now, I'm not saying I can just decide not to be sad everyday - so please don't expect that from me ;), but I just don't want to be sad on THIS day anymore.  - tomorrow I may not get out of bed....I  still reserve that right.

I decided to try to make it all about the girls. We planned a Fancy Nancy Valentines dinner (I totally ripped that idea off from my cute sister)  We dressed up and ate all the favorites. (mac and cheese, stovetop stuffing (Addie's favorite - she snuck half the bowl before dinner ever started :) some heart pizza and about 4 desserts.   And it was crazy fun. We laughed and acted all fancy. Got out the stem glasses that I don't believe I have used since Brad died. Grandma joined us, and that was so fun. The little girls loved it, and Ty, ever the good sport, pulled out one of her dance dresses and took dress up to a whole new level.

and sitting here tonight , it's kindof surprising me - because I really didn't have a harder day than normal.  It may sound dumb, but other Valentines days I have not even wanted to get out of bed, or function - so that is a big deal for me.

I'm not sure what is different this year. But I do know that I am learning a little secret. Brad is always close. He is always close when I need him. When I have rough night, or day, or month. But he is also always close when we are happy. And I know that seeing us happy makes him happy. and sometimes I can just FEEL that - him being happy.  It's one of the greatest gifts he can give me. Today was one of those days.  I love that our little party made him happy.  And I love that I'm still learning about how much he influences us and how often he is here -  that he can be physically gone - but oh, so close at the same time. It's kindof a miracle.

Ty

Brad -
Do you remember when Ty was trying out for soccer at Burkburnett Middle School? And, you must have been flying lates that day because you were home and I was telling you how nervous I was for her and how much I hoped she would make it... on and on. etc etc.

And you just laughed and told me to calm down.  I was starting to explain how hard Ty had worked and that I hoped she remembered everything she had learned from you.

again, you laughed a bit. and said

"Have you met our daughter? She is easily the most talented, smartest girl I know. She is good at everything she tries. No kidding, EVERYTHING."

And then you smiled and said - "It's actually pretty annoying. "  

I'm sure she will make the team. and everything will be fine.

Well, Ty made that team, and everything was fine.

And years passed. And lots of things weren't fine.

But one thing never changed.    Ty is still

"easily the most talented and smartest girl I know."

She has taken that little bit of determination she had at that young age and changed it into something that would shape her very world. Something that would help her to rise up when she was facing really hard things instead of sinking.

I have watched this beautiful little girl go through things that many people, years older than her, haven't had to endure.  I have watched her do this with grace and courage. Always doing her best and giving it her all, even when much less would have been ok and even expected.

I was telling her the other day how proud I was of her.  For always doing her best. In school. In our family. In everything that matters.  
I kindof just want to shout it from the rooftops. 

So that's what I'm going to do for a minute. shout from the rooftops about Ty. 

She is my best friend. 
She is the reason I am sane. literally. 
She is such an amazing sister to these two little girls who copy EVERY SINGLE THING she does. (and that does not worry me one bit)  
She is strong in her faith and brave in the way she lives it. 
She is brilliant - in school and in music.  she has known for years that because Brad was killed in the line of duty, she would have help with school. That she could go to any State school for free. Most kids might think this means they can take it easy in high school and just get by and still be on a "full ride" essentially when it came time for college. (I will admit, I would have done that)  but not Ty. She took some of the hardest classes they offer at her school. AP classes and college classes. Every year. She works her butt off and gets straight A's.  

She fills our house with beautiful music night and day. She really is a total choir geek. She makes me listen to her new favorite composer. And did I notice the 15 part harmony in this song? She can rattle off classical composers that Brad introduced her too and more that she has discovered without him. She lights up when she is doing anything musical. She's either at the piano, on her guitar or singing her heart out just about any moment that she is home.  A few weeks ago Ty was getting ready to audition for music Sterling Scholar at Fremont. And I spent that day feeling that same feeling I had when she tried out for soccer so long ago.   And I got to remember my sweet husbands advice and laugh at how "annoyingly talented" our beautiful daughter is.   And I knew it would be OK even if she didn't get it. I really was just so proud of her for even going to all the work to apply. She spent hours and hours getting her application ready. (and it makes me laugh to say that her resume is probably more impressive than mine:)  

The night before auditions she was saying that she didn't really think she would get it. But that it has been really good for her to just try. And she knew she would regret not trying and she has learned a lot from applying. So she would try not to be nervous during her performance and interview. She would just talk about how much she loves music and how much it has helped her in her life.

Well, she must have let some of that light out during auditions because the music sterling scholar is currently residing at my house :)   And, of course that's really not the neatest thing about her. It's just the most recent cool thing. 

I want to tell Ty how much I love her and what a privilege it is to be her mother. She really is an extraordinary girl. One of the greatest blessings in my life. It was a life changing thing for me to know that my Heavenly Father had entrusted this amazing little girl to me. She amazes me with her strength and the grace that she has dealt with her trials. I learn so much from her every day. 

10 Years

10 yrs ago this last weekend I met my soul mate.  

And he changed everything.  

I've been thinking about that magical little weekend 10 years ago a lot over this past month.

Thinking about the totally random miraculous way we even met. (blind date, set up by someone I had met, I think once, about 10 yrs earlier.)

Thinking about talking to Brad on the phone the night before our date - and how easy everything was. He made me laugh and he listened. And I remember thinking, "please, please , please don't be a total mutant. Please don't be 7 inches shorter than me and please be at least a little cute, because I kindof already like you  - and that's kindof a big thing for me.

I remember driving down to meet everyone in Salt Lake and being really nervous and feeling like something big was coming.

I remember he took me flying.  I thought his pilot lingo on the radio was about the sexiest thing ever.

We hung out and talked in my car after the date for a few hours. (we really were just talking people, get your minds out of the gutter)  He told me about his job (that he loved) and his family (that he loved more) and what he wanted out of life.  And the thing that impressed me most about him was that he listened to me. He wanted to know all about Ty and teaching and my family. He wanted to know about things that actually matter.  And just by talking to him I realized the other thing that I loved most about him. That he was good. He knew what he believed and what kind of person he wanted to be. He wasn't overbearing, but he didn't apologize for wanting to live the way he did.

I had some pretty giant walls built up and I guess you could say I had some trust issues when it came to dating. I wasn't about to put myself out there or get my hopes up about a guy I barely knew.  So when he said "I'll call you tomorrow and is it Ok if I stop by on my way back to Idaho?"  I remember thinking that I really hoped he would, but I wouldn't be planning on it. And it was conference weekend, so I wouldn't be getting out of my sweats or combing my hair hoping some guy would show up only to have him not even call.  So the next day when Brad called and said he was on his way I'm pretty sure I had time to brush my teeth and that was about it.

He met Ty and met my family. I remember watching him talk to them and loving that he treated them like they were the most important people in the world. (I soon learned that he treated everyone like that)

And that night I walked him out to his car and he kissed me. And it didn't matter that my sister and Tyler (I mean, my horrible sister and horrible daughter) were peeking through the window and mocked me mercilessly when I came back in the house - because it was one of those movie kisses where music plays in your head and your knees go weak.   One of those kisses where you feel like you are finally home. And finally safe.  I felt all of that that night.  But it would take some time and convincing before my mind would believe it.  It was like somewhere deep down my spirit was saying - Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you.

I remember mustering up enough courage to say - "This was fun, you should call me next time you are in town." (that was about as forward as I was capable of being)  

And I remember Brad smiling and saying, "Oh, I think I'll be calling you before that." 

And he called every day after that.  

And that was the beginning.

He took me flying that first night. And has been teaching me to fly since.

Bikes & Milestones

I remember a few years ago Brad's brothers family was in town and I walked outside to Uncle Lance teaching Sophie how to ride... running up and down the sidewalk with her and she was having a blast. It kindof took my breath away to see it because it was like seeing the picture I had in my head of what Brad would look like teaching them acted out in front of me. I was overcome with all these emotions simultaneously: happy and grateful that they have amazing uncles who step in and do dad things, heartbroken and a little pissed that she doesn't get to learn this from her dad, combined with the unmistakable feeling that Brad brings when he is present. I'm not sure how to describe that - but the word miraculous combined with overwhelming love come to mind.  He showed me without a doubt that he was there. All these feelings all at once were a little overwhelming and I was starting to lose it. I ran in to get my camera and was happy for the chance to try to compose myself. I didn't want them to think I was upset and I figured my tears would be misunderstood.    I got it together and came back and took photos.  It is now a sweet memory.

That was probably 2 and a half years ago.

Since then I have struggled with teaching them to ride. Sophie is 6 1/2 and Addie is almost 5. They should be zooming around on their bikes like other kids their age - but I have some sort of mental block when I think about teaching them. I have used the excuse that we live on a busy road to distract them when they want to go practice. I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so sad that Brad isn't here to teach them. I have to gear up for it emotionally each time and usually I just try to avoid it. It's also just another one of those milestones - doing something for the first time. I am getting a little better about dealing when we have a milestone, but there is always a bittersweet undertone because I am celebrating it without Brad.

 Last spring I decided that I would make myself help them learn by summer's end.  I got them balance bikes and we started going on walks so they could pratice. We have had a very busy (and Fun!) summer so we really have only practiced a few times.

Last week Sophie picked up her cousins bike and just started riding.
It was so great!
(and there were a bunch a people around, so that helped me keep it together.)
 She was SO excited and proud of herself.
She just kept riding and riding and it dawned on me that Brad was probably running around that tennis court with her just like he would have been if he were physically here.

Today I took the training wheels off Addie's little bike and she was riding alone after 30 seconds. (but probably not really alone)

We went for our first Funk family bike ride and I got to feel that beautiful feeling that Brad brings when  he comes. And for the first time I didn't feel sad about a milestone. I snapped pictures and didn't even think about crying. He was so obviously, tangibly "here" with us.

It really was a Funk FAMILY bike ride.

I will remember that feeling the next time 

I am sad because he is "missing" something. 

Because it is a miracle.

American Widow Project

A few weeks ago I had the privilege of attending an AWP event.  AWP stands for  the American Widow Project.  A charity started by a military widow when she lost her husband at age 21.

I stumbled across the AWP website about a year after I lost Brad. I remember clearly the night I found it. I read the stories and cried, and read some more. I think I looked through everything on the site - wonderful resources, (many that I knew nothing about), songs and quotes and all sorts of "widow" things. Reading it made me feel less alone.  I remember thinking "finally! someone who gets it!" I was so grateful to have found it.

I knew they did events, and they cover all the expenses (which is awesome!)  but the girls were too little for me to seriously think about going on a getaway, and as years passed and they got old enough for me to leave the timing was just never right.

The first trip that I could even make work in our family schedule was the Seattle trip in July.  Even though I was really nervous about the thought of going to spend a weekend with a bunch of people I've never met I decided that I would register and see if I got in.

Well, I got in. And even while I was registering I knew going would be a good thing.
I felt like I was meant to go.

I was really excited and really, really, REALLY nervous about the trip. I worried that I would be the "old lady" of the group and I worried if I would really relate to the people I met there.

Well, it turned out that I had nothing to worry about.  They had a great weekend mapped out for us. We all stayed in this really cool house in Seattle and went Kayaking and zip-lining and did a food tour at Pikes Place market- SO fun!

But the BEST thing about the trip was meeting these amazing widows. While our life circumstances and backgrounds were all completely different, they understood the one thing no one else can. I saw pieces of myself in every widow there. Places I had been and places I hope to get too. I learned from each of them. It was such a healing and inspiring thing for me to be able to meet these fabulous ladies.  It was amazing to me that the AWP could throw together 10 people who have never met, have nothing in common except losing a husband in the line of duty and by the time the weekend is over we are like old friends - laughing and crying together.

I consider it an honor and a privilege to have met them and to be one of them.  

I am so grateful this wonderful charity exists. And so grateful that a 21 year old widow had the courage to follow her heart and start this amazing organization. If you are looking for a charity to support -THIS is it.

It was such a good thing for me. I came home with a fresh new batch of courage - feeling like I can do this and that I'm not alone. I had no idea how empowering it would be to meet other widows who have survived that dreaded knock on the door.   I came home with 10 new friends and full of inspiration.  Can't ask for much more than that :)

So this is my shout out to the ladies of the AWP. Taryn and TT. You are amazing. You do so much good.  Thank you for being brave and following your heart and thank you for inspiring others to do the same.  Widow Power :) 

widow

Widow.    When I  realized that at age 33 that title applied to me - it made me physically sick. I completely rejected that word and everything that it stood for.   I never refer to myself as a widow. (it's ironic that my blog has this word in the title. - really I've always really liked the "might" part of that and not so much the "widow".)

When I  would hear the word widow I used to think of an older lady - that needed help and probably elicited pity from me.   I thought of her in scriptural terms. Someone I should serve and help; but I certainly didn't want people to think of me when they heard that word. I was trying pretty hard not to be pitiful and I hated that word that would illicit pity immediately from everyone who heard it.

I remember clearly the first form where I had to erase the check I had placed next to "married" and check the "widow" box instead. I wanted to cry. for lots of reasons. and being given that unwanted title was one of them.

Even after 4 years I would still kindof flinch involuntarily when I heard it.

Until I read this....

(I copied this from my soon to be friend Taryn Davis' blog - She started the charity American Widow Project. She is a military widow and when I read this it really just changed everything that I felt about being referred to as a widow. )

"When Michael was first killed I remember sitting there thinking, 'Does this mean I have to be a widow?!'.

Our society had put such a stigma on the word, that any chance in me feeling the need to embrace it was pretty slim.

I even had people telling me not to call myself that.

"Widow" was a title that had everything going against it in the sense of embracing it.

But I remember, one evening, in the first few months after his death, thinking of the pride I had when standing next to him and hearing him introduce me as his wife.

I felt unstoppable. I felt that the world was mine to conquer. I felt that with him by my side and the title of his wife...that all in the world was right.

It was in thinking of that feeling that I knew I had all reason in the world to feel the same as his widow.

That title represents his sacrifice.

That title represents my sacrifice.

And that title, due to the fact that I am still here to say I am the widow of Michael...represents my survival.

I know it is easier sad than done to embrace a word that for centuries has been shunned and put in a negative light, but when I think of that glowing feeling in my heart when I stood next to him as his wife, I quickly let the notions of others fall to the wayside as the same feeling sweeps over me as I introduce myself as his widow.

You earned this title with every ounce of love you share with them. You earned this title with every day you decided to get up and inhale and exhale after their passing. You earned this title for being an example for all those that will come after you and will be asking the same question on why they should embrace a word...and then they see how you have lived...and suddenly know why.

So be proud.

Being a widow is title worth sharing."




She perfectly describes the pride and happiness that I felt when I was referred to as Brad's wife. So i'm going to attempt to feel that same way when i say 

I am the proud widow of Maj. Brad Funk. 

I will be proud of this...

(isn't he a total babe!)

and this...

and even this. 

I love you my boy. You make me proud every minute.