Sunday, February 6, 2011


It's been a while. I'm going to attempt to do this more often. I read through this blog for the first time in 6 months a few days ago and I realized that it is so good for me to write - because I can go back and read it when I'm having a bad day (or month, as the case may be - February...I pretty much loathe you.)  and it helps so much. It helps me remember all these things that I already know, but on difficult days I can't quite recall.

February used to be one of my favorite months because we would pretty much party the whole month. Ty's birthday, Valentines Day (we would stretch that to a Valentines week - just for fun) and Brad's birthday - all in February. Now, it's too many significant days, too close together and it's a little too much for me to handle sometimes.  - and now it's freezing and depressing as well, so that just adds to the fun.  

This February Ty will turn 16. Birthday's are always a little bit hard and bittersweet.  It is another unmistakable mark of the passing of time; one more birthday without Brad.  16 seems to be especially difficult for me. Ty has all these firsts coming up  - Driving, first car, first date. I remember talking about all those things with Brad and how soon they would be here. I never imagined that we would be doing them without him.

Sophie has now celebrated more birthdays without her daddy than she did with him.  That was a significant one for me. Addie has celebrated every birthday without him.  I still feel a little bit like I'm living in a time warp - it seems like just yesterday they knocked on my door -but birthdays and babies growing up are evidence that I can not argue with.

Time is a funny thing. It plays tricks on you. In many ways, that day seems so close - and that is not all bad. I like that he doesn't seem so far away. That it really hasn't been almost three years since he's made me laugh. - and sometimes it seems like a whole lifetime has gone by. That our life together was just this too good to be true dream.  People always say that time heals; and I do think that is true - to an extent.  Time can help. It's like it puts a barrier over this raw, gaping wound and helps it not be quite so sensitive -  but Time is fickle.  Time also makes him feel far away. And there is nothing that I want more than for him to be close by.  I would take gaping wound over far away any day.

So I am trying to make peace with the passing of time.

Brad's birthday is the one day that I can say does not make me sad.  Two years ago Brad's sister Cheryl called and said that for Brad's birthday she wanted to come up and help me with whatever I needed help with. That was her gift to him. I, of course, thought that was a great idea. - His other siblings got wind of what Cheryl was doing and they all decided to come up and help.  It was such a wonderful gift to me.  I felt strongly about celebrating his birthday (and that it actually be fun for everyone) so they weren't allowed to work all day. They helped with things around the house for half the day and we went to the temple and the cemetery all together as a family. The girls "sent messages up to daddy" on balloons and we came back and celebrated with cake and games.  It was a great day. and it was exactly what Brad would have wanted - all of us together.

One thing I have noticed about those difficult days is that they are never as bad as I think they are going to be.  Brad is always closer on the difficult days. So that makes them be not only bearable; but  days to expect miracles.