Tonight I am tired. The craft market was yesterday. We baked for about 20 hours straight, finishing around 6 am, just in time to jump up at 8 and head over to sell our little cupcakes all day. I am still recovering.
Every time we do a market, I miss my sweet husband extra. While we were in Florida and Texas he was my official crafting partner. (I'm sure he'd just LOVE that title;) He hauled everything to and from shows, hung out with me and was my biggest cheerleader and best salesman. He peeled vinyl and cut wood and built boxes. He went without dinner and clean clothes and took care of kids while I painted and designed. He never complained. He actually had me convinced that he enjoyed it. I'm not sure that he really enjoyed it; but I know that he knew how much of a help he was to me, that I couldn't do it without him and how happy it made me that he was so awesome about it. He knew that creating something was so fun for me. I think helping me and making me happy was probably the only thing he liked about it. When people would ask me about my "business" Brad would laugh and say that it wasn't really a business - more like a really expensive hobby. But he encouraged me to make things - whether they sold or not. He celebrated with me when a show went well and said I would have really great gifts to give everyone I knew when it did not go so well.
I remember Brad leaving work to come help me set everything up for parties because I was 8 months pregnant and he didn't want me carrying everything in by myself. During the last open house we had at our home, 6 days before his death; a few friends needed to come early to the party. I helped them with their orders while Brad scrubbed the kitchen floor on hands and knees and put the food out for me. "How did you train him to do that??" they asked. I said that I didn't. He just came that way.
The first market I did was about 6 months after Brad died. I bawled on the drive there and back. It felt so strange to be doing it without him. That was the first time we made our cupcakes and this little business was born. I wanted to share it with him so badly. He would have been so proud - because we actually sell our little cupcakes, unlike most of the other stuff he helped me make. I'm sure a sold out show would have made him bust out one of his standing back flips. But, I'm guessing he can still do that in heaven.
So now, even though we are baking cupcakes instead of making signs; my thoughts turn to my sweet husband every time we do a show. It usually starts out with me being frustrated. - Because no one is carrying everything for me and it takes me 2 hours to set up what Brad could have done in 20 minutes. I feel bad for myself for a minute and then I remember how lucky I am to have this amazing man love me. How lucky I am that he always encouraged me to do things that made me happy - even if it was a huge pain in the butt for him. How lucky I am to have all these sweet memories of creating with my "Official Crafting Partner". How lucky I am that he made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And even now, I can say that I still feel that way. I miss him so much that I can't put it into words. But when I think about my sweet husband what I feel - more than the pain of him being gone - is this overwhelming love and gratitude. Gratitude that I got to be his wife and be left with millions of happy memories. And his love I still have. It still inspires me and makes me feel like I can do anything. It is something that never ceases to amaze me. That feeling that I had so often when Brad was here - that feeling that I was finally home. That I was safe to be me because he knew everything about me and loved me so much. It was like a little glimpse of eternity. It is very empowering. I guess the thing that is amazing to me is that he still makes me feel that way. That feeling - that came only from Brad - is still here. I still have his love and it is amazing to me how powerful that can be. I read this the other day in a little quote book
"When you have nothing left but love, then for the first time you become aware that love is enough."
For me, it's more than enough.
Unfortunately, it can no longer carry tables and 50 dozen cupcakes :), but it still carries me.