Beauty For Ashes

Beauty For Ashes

This quote comes from one of my most favorite and comforting scriptures ever. Isaiah 61 - 

This little painting is one of my new favorites. 

I'm keeping her. She’s going in my room.

Isaiah is speaking about some of the things Christ will do. "he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives....To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..."

This is my reminder that when we feel like our life is in ashes...when we feel like nothing will ever be ok again...when all we can see are the ashes of our burned up hopes and dreams. - That Christ can take our ashes and turn them into something beautiful. He can make our life beautiful again. 

I feel Him doing this for me. 

And I know that He can do this for everyone.

Isaiah 61: 1-3

1.The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 2 .To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

 3. To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Trust Him

I’ve had these exact words on a giant chalk board 

in my room for the past five years. 

TRUST HIM.  You can do this.  p.s. You ARE doing this.

I needed to read them every morning 

and I needed to read them every night.  

Half the time I was bawling when I read them, 

but they still always helped.

I decided to create a painting that would be a little prettier and more permanent than my chalk board. {and I discovered a new palette that I love!}

This one is for anyone who needs to see these words daily as a reminder that they are already doing what they thought they could never do. 

And that when we trust Him... 

everything will always be ok. 

Actually, not just ok, but good. 

Even if we can’t imagine it right now.

Love Always Wins { My Widow Motto }

Love Always Wins

{my widow motto}

Something in her eyes told you she had known unimaginable loss...

but those eyes also told you she has known unimaginable love.

Overwhelmingly beautiful, empowering love.

and love is bigger than loss.

LOVE Always WINS. 

always

I wrote these words sometime in the first year after Brad died. I wanted to remember them . I needed to read them. Reading them helped me focus on the good.  I do know that love is bigger than loss, and that love will always win...  but I needed a reminder often. 

When I started painting a few years ago, I painted two paintings for my daughters, and then I decided to start on a painting for me. I knew I needed to give those words a home. A place that I would see often and read and re-read on hard days. This painting was an attempt to give those words a pretty backdrop. One that would be colorful and joyful. But mostly, I just needed to get those words out of my notebook and up, because they helped me. It was like I could feel Brad right there when I read them... reminding me that he was not far away and that our love is still stronger than anything that can physically happen to us. 
This painting will probably always be my favorite.  

Something happened when I was working on this painting. There are lots of tears on her.. but many of those were happy tears. While I worked on her I discovered that painting made me unbelievably happy and that this was what I was supposed to do. This was what I needed to do. So I love this girl. 

She brought a happy passion into my life that I am so grateful for. 

And I also love that she talks about the love Brad and I share. 

And that THAT LOVE WILL ALWAYS win. 

This print is for anyone who knows what loss feels like... 
knows the emptiness and the ache and the fear...

 and needs to be reminded that their love really can can carry them through.

May 1st - A new day

May 1st is my least favorite day. This year I wanted to be a little more prepared.  I can always feel it coming and I struggle  for weeks before.

This year was a little different. Tyler had been out on her mission about 6 weeks. We were all still adjusting to her being gone and missing her. I knew that this year would be hard, partly because of that.

We have little rituals that help on that day. I always go to the temple. This helps me the most. We go as a family to the cemetery and do a balloon release. This has also been a good thing. The girls love sending letters up to daddy.

This year I wanted to add a little something different. I have some amazing widow friends who I get great ideas from all the time. I had seen online that some of them had gone around and done good deeds on anniversaries of difficult days. I LOVED that idea.  So, I started working on a plan for our upcoming horrible day.

We talked as a family {Sophie and Addie and I - our little family seems so small now... - side note - the other day while setting the table Addie said, "I wish there was still five of us." It broke my heart. But, I love that she knows that there really are five of us. That it seems like something is off because she's setting a place for only three.  I pray that each of my girls know that there are always five of us…but that we just don't all need a plate}

We talked about what we could do that would be special and meaningful on May 1st. We talked about how their amazing daddy went around doing good. I have saved countless emails and letters that people have sent telling stories about Brad. The common theme is that he served. He helped. He didn't wait to be asked, he just looked around and saw what needed to be done and got to work. And he was happy doing it. I feel so blessed to have been the recipient of so much of his goodness. He taught me more than I can put in words.  I am so grateful that the girls will get to read those stories and know this about their daddy.

I pitched them my idea about doing some good deeds. They were both excited. {although Sophie did express some concerns that I was going to "give away all our money" haha} They were excited about doing it for people they didn't know and having it be a surprise.

So we got to work. We printed up some cards that we could hand out with gift cards. For family night the girls wrote notes on the backs of those little cards.

After school on May 1st we got busy with our 

"Do a Good Deed Day" 

We went around buying food for people at the drive through and giving out gift cards… We talked about how doing something nice for someone else might help us not be so sad today. 

And I have to say 

IT WORKED.   

It really was so fun.

 {& just so you know, fun and May 1st are words I never thought could ever belong in the same sentence.}   

The girls were so excited, watching the different cars behind us, knowing that they were going to get a  little surprise. They were giddy when we were driving away. Sophie loves to "spy" She's created her own spy club and loves being sneaky. She said this was like a "nice spy day" and she loved it. 

It sounds cliche, but choosing to do something besides think about our pain helped so much.
Other May 1st's I've just let myself be swallowed up in the pain of everything that I lost on this day.
Other May 1st's I have barely been able to function.

After reading about my widow friends doing this I knew it was something that could change this day for us.  I needed it to not be about me. It needed to be about something bigger.

Making it a day that we do good things in honor of Brad completely changed everything.

I was hesitant to post about what we did because - I don't know- It seemed strange to write about doing something for someone else. But, If my friends who did this wouldn't have posted about it, I probably would not have thought to do it on my own… so I decided to share.

This year our May 1st was completely different. 

There were still lots of tears shed. 

But some of those this year were happy…

Happy tears watching my girls be SO excited about giving gifts.
Happy tears knowing that Brad would be happy with what we did with this day.
Happy tears for all the family and friends who reach out and help. Our day was filled surprise treats dropped by the house, gifts on the porch and encouraging notes, texts and messages. Every note and like on facebook was noticed and appreciated. I am so grateful for people who let us know that they remember. It's funny the way it works out. We always seem to get so much more than we give.

This year our May 1st was transformed. 

I think we have a new tradition.

In honor of Major Brad Funk

{looks like the guest of honor showed up as well}

six years closer to you my boy

We Love You

On It's Own

Today marks 5 1/2 years since Brad's death.

It's interesting how the passage of time changes things.
{and how it doesn't}

I remember having a physical "flinch" on every 1st of every month. Another month without Brad. I was always counting. Hours, days, months.  Sometimes it's hard to believe that I'm counting years now.

I remember being really sad when it was the first new year. I did not want 2009 to come. Thinking that Brad died "last year" was something that made him seem so far away.

You also reach a time where people act like you are supposed to be ok. You are expected to move on and get over things. I'm not sure what time frame that is... or who decided that,  but I do know that no one who has lost someone significant in their life ever says that. {some days I'm extra grateful for those people who get that you don't "move on"...}

At the beginning, I hated the passage of time.  As time passed Brad felt further away and people felt that I should be "adjusting". I wanted time to stop all together. Because my whole world had stopped. I was literally angry and offended that the world kept spinning.

For a long time I thought that holding on to Brad meant holding on to all this pain that came with losing him. I think I held on to my grief with all my might. I clung to it. Wore it like a badge of courage. It was my little partner and I got pretty comfortable with it.

The thing that was the scariest to me - my worse nightmare, was that time would pass and Brad would start to feel far away. And that me healing meant that I would lose that connection I had with him. That I would start to look at our life together and it would feel like a dream. That it wasn't real. I remember praying that I would remember every little detail of our life together.  For a while, clinging to my grief was how I tried to fight off the passage of time. How I tried to keep him close.

My sweet husband has always been very patient with me. {he had, "the patience of Job" my dad would say :)}  He has been patient with me while i've been learning some important lessons.

I remember feeling and knowing that he was so close in the days following the accident. And being terrified that that feeling would go away.  I was scared the feeling would go away when he was buried, or when we left our beautiful home we shared and moved back to Utah. I was scared that feeling would go away as time passed. And all the while, my sweet patient husband has been able to reassure me that he's not going anywhere.

And I think he's finally gotten a new lesson through my thick head. And that lesson is this:

That the love I feel from him {and for him} does NOT have to be accompanied by the intense pain and sadness I feel from losing him.

The love exists ON IT'S OWN.

It's not tied to any of the pain...
so I'm working on letting that part go.

It's a process I will probably deal with forever. But now instead of clinging to that grief and feeling that it is what makes Brad feel close. I am feeling good about letting it go.

It probably sounds simple. But it's a big perspective shift for me.

I'm focusing on remembering that being loved by this amazing man changed me.
And that it still is.

one day closer to you.
I love you my boy.

A new Yes

“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage

—pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically,

 to say “no” to other things. 

And the way you do that is by

 having a bigger “yes” burning inside.  

Stephen R. Covey

About 4 years ago I went to a Time Out for women. I remember listening to a speaker and he was talking about dreams and goals. He asked us to make a list of things we wanted to accomplish in the next  five or ten years. So I started writing. He then said to look at our list and take off the items that are about our husband and our children. He explained that this list was supposed to be just goals for us.  I sat there and stared at my notebook and started to sob. I remember being mortified about it and trying to find a way to sneak out.

Brad had been killed less than a year earlier. I was still in survival mode. Not thinking much more than a few days ahead. That was all I could deal with. So being asked to think 5 or 10 years down the road was not just overwhelming, but heartbreaking for me.  My whole life was different than what I ever had planned or imagined. 

I kept trying to think of something to write. I could think of things that I wanted to learn, places to visit or fun things to go do... but they all seemed very superficial to me. Not worthy of a long term goal.

Brad not being physically here changed everything. See, we were supposed to have 4 or 5 kids, explore the world together and raise our little family. Teach and laugh and learn together. And someday when our kids were grown we were supposed to retire together and sit on our porch holding hands. 

Every dream, every hope I had for my life could not exist without him.

That feeling I had that day has been a hard one for me to process. I've been working on it for years. Coming to terms with having to change all your hopes and dreams is hard.  And trying to find new ones....

 well, for me, that was even harder. 

Obviously, my girls are my greatest joy. I feel so privileged to be their mother. They are my first and most important priority. And they always will be.  But I could see the value in having goals and dreams of my own. Because one day I would be on my own. And I needed to be able to be happy with that.  I needed to find something that I loved to do. Something that I was passionate about.... 

I kind of always knew what it was. It's kind of always been there. This little dream. Just waiting patiently to be let out.  It was something that was never practical so I just ignored it. But when I asked myself, What would I do if I could do anything in the world?

 That little dream jumped up and yelled. 

So I knew what it was long before I dared to do anything about it. It makes me sound really wimpy, but I THOUGHT about starting on that little dream for years... but I didn't even dare say it aloud. (because it sounds kind of goofy) and i didn't ever dare actually START it, because, well, I hand no idea HOW to do it....

So fast forward a few years and I'm sitting at a retreat for military widows in Seattle. We are all talking and Taryn, (founder of American Widow Project) asks me what I'm passionate about. What I want to DO with my life. And I start talking about my beautiful girls.... and she says, ok, but what about YOU? What do you want to do? And you know, that little dream just spilled out. Maybe it was because I was with a bunch of people I just met, and may not see again so i wasn't afraid of what they thought?  Maybe it was because I felt like they "got it" {other widows are really good at "getting it"}

I told them, "Someday I'm going to be an artist."  

And you know what? they didn't laugh -  They didn't say well, that's a nerdy dream.  They didn't ask why or what is so special about that? 

But they did say one important thing, 

 WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 

{and they didn't buy my big plan about not being able to do it till Addie was in school all day or figuring out how to fit college into my life}

I came home inspired and signed up for my first art class in my life.

{did I add that I had zero skills to go along with this little dream?}

That was last summer. Over this past year I've been having fun playing with paint. And I've figured a few things out. The most important thing being that I LOVE doing this. I can not believe how happy it makes me. I really am feeling so grateful that I've found something that I love to do so much. And it has come at the perfect time in my life. I was dreading my baby starting school and I was REALLY dreading my sweet Tyler moving away to college.  It sounds dorky, but being able to go down in my little art cave has really helped me deal with all those changes. 

I used to be nervous to show my work to anyone. I thought I would be hurt if people didn't love it. But, I've found that I'm not concerned about that anymore. I don't really care if anyone else likes it, or if I ever sell a painting.  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE every second spent creating these little works of art. and that, I've decided is what matters.

So if you can't find me I'm probably in my basement jamming to Spotify, covered in paint. And maybe a few happy tears might be sneaking out,  because I found a new Yes. 

p.s. I'm saying no to cupcakes.

p.p.s. If you need Brad that's where he'll be as well.

Five years

Today marks five years since Brad's death. That is crazy to me. Five years sounds like a long time. And it's weird because it seems like a lifetime ago and also just yesterday all at the same time.

I remember very vividly walking in my bed room to get Addie who was six months old at the time of Brad's death. Probably a day or so after. (those days are all kind of a blur,  they all run together)
I remember saying to myself - "my life is over." Just matter of fact. Not trying to be overly dramatic, but stating what was obvious.  Not only did I not want to be here without Brad, but I really didn't believe that I would be able to exist without him. I felt like half of me was literally missing and I didn't see how I could possible survive that way for long.

Now that I am looking back on the last five years instead of living it I've noticed a few things. It is interesting to see the progression.   All the different phases that you go through. I think I was in shock for about 2 years. Just attempting to function and not much else. I remember feeling like an actor in a movie. Pretending everything is fine because that was the only way I could function.  

I think in those five years I went through every phase multiple times. Feeling like I was finally getting a handle on this grief, only to be swallowed up by it the next day.  

Grief , I've found, is frustrating like that. Good one minute, total nut job the next.

I remember thinking, "I will never be happy again." Sure I would smile and laugh occasionally, but I would never really be happy. Not until I am with Brad again.   And that's not a very fun thought. Spending your life, just hoping time passes quickly so we could be together again... not much comfort in that for me. Not really a life, to be honest.

Well, one thing that has been a pleasant little surprise - is that I've been feeling happy lately.  It was honestly something I didn't expect.  And it's not really something I can explain. It's not that the pain of losing Brad is gone... or even bearable on hard days... And I still don't know that I will ever have a "fullness of Joy" without Brad physically by my side. But somehow, there is a calm, peaceful power that comes from being loved by my sweet husband. Somehow, knowing that he is there; and not just on the hard days or the special occasions, but Always.  That knowledge and what it means is finally sinking in. And it's changing me. Empowering me.  And I don't feel alone. Because I'm not alone.  And with that knowledge,  I can be happy here and now.

I am also learning that the powers of heaven are not bound by human logic. 

Elder Wirthlin gave a talk in the first General Conference after Brad’s death. In it he speaks about The principle of compensation: 

“That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I had never heard of (or payed attention too) the principle of compensation. It hit me like a ton of bricks while listening to this talk - that it was true. That the things our family would miss because Brad was taken would be made up for. I initially thought that meant it would be made up for in heaven - when we were all together again... but I have seen over the years the blessings pouring out upon us.

 The  powers of heaven are not bound by human logic.  If you are in a situation where it doesn't make logical sense for you to EVER be happy, or even be ok. Where it doesn't make sense for you to be able to heal- 

That doesn't matter. 

Because the Lords power is not bound by what our human mind can comprehend. 

Many times I've felt the spirit whisper that everything will be ok. And many times I've felt my sweet husbands presence and he has said that it will be ok- and not just ok, but good . And that someday I will understand. And I used to argue - I'd say - well I don't see how that can ever really be true. I don't see how it will be ok for our kids to grow up without their wonderful daddy, and for my littlest girls to not even have an earthly memory of their father . I don't see how that can ever be ok- and how they won't get gipped.  and I don’t see how I will ever be ok - being here without you...

One of my biggest sadnesses was having my children grow up without the influence of their amazing father - but that is already being  compensated for. Somehow, miraculously, my little girls have memories of their daddy. They know him and have a relationship with him. All my girls recognize when he is near.  They are influenced by him and he teaches them. I know he protects us . Somehow Brad is able to provide for, comfort, teach and bless his family - from the other side of the veil.

I know we will all still continue to have things we miss out on by not having Brad physically here with us - and those things are difficult and heartbreaking at times... but I have seen a little glimpse of the way Heavenly father is miraculously compensating for this already -  and it teaches me to not despair about those sad things - but to have faith that the Lord will do what He says He can do.

 I don’t pretend to understand how it works , but I have complete faith that my girls will not be gipped out of having a daddy.  I may not see the interaction, but he influences them, protects them and helps them in many ways I can not. 

I know my Savior is there, and that I can call on him. I feel like he has been lifting me up and carrying me around and steadying me every day for the past five years. And the power you get from the atonement - it’s not just a nice idea. it’s not just a warm ,fuzzy, happy thought, that you think about . You have the ability to tap into a literal power that nothing in the universe is stronger than. Every person on this earth has the ability to use that gift - even if we don't understand how it happens.

And THAT gift is what makes us happy...

Bikes & Milestones

I remember a few years ago Brad's brothers family was in town and I walked outside to Uncle Lance teaching Sophie how to ride... running up and down the sidewalk with her and she was having a blast. It kindof took my breath away to see it because it was like seeing the picture I had in my head of what Brad would look like teaching them acted out in front of me. I was overcome with all these emotions simultaneously: happy and grateful that they have amazing uncles who step in and do dad things, heartbroken and a little pissed that she doesn't get to learn this from her dad, combined with the unmistakable feeling that Brad brings when he is present. I'm not sure how to describe that - but the word miraculous combined with overwhelming love come to mind.  He showed me without a doubt that he was there. All these feelings all at once were a little overwhelming and I was starting to lose it. I ran in to get my camera and was happy for the chance to try to compose myself. I didn't want them to think I was upset and I figured my tears would be misunderstood.    I got it together and came back and took photos.  It is now a sweet memory.

That was probably 2 and a half years ago.

Since then I have struggled with teaching them to ride. Sophie is 6 1/2 and Addie is almost 5. They should be zooming around on their bikes like other kids their age - but I have some sort of mental block when I think about teaching them. I have used the excuse that we live on a busy road to distract them when they want to go practice. I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so sad that Brad isn't here to teach them. I have to gear up for it emotionally each time and usually I just try to avoid it. It's also just another one of those milestones - doing something for the first time. I am getting a little better about dealing when we have a milestone, but there is always a bittersweet undertone because I am celebrating it without Brad.

 Last spring I decided that I would make myself help them learn by summer's end.  I got them balance bikes and we started going on walks so they could pratice. We have had a very busy (and Fun!) summer so we really have only practiced a few times.

Last week Sophie picked up her cousins bike and just started riding.
It was so great!
(and there were a bunch a people around, so that helped me keep it together.)
 She was SO excited and proud of herself.
She just kept riding and riding and it dawned on me that Brad was probably running around that tennis court with her just like he would have been if he were physically here.

Today I took the training wheels off Addie's little bike and she was riding alone after 30 seconds. (but probably not really alone)

We went for our first Funk family bike ride and I got to feel that beautiful feeling that Brad brings when  he comes. And for the first time I didn't feel sad about a milestone. I snapped pictures and didn't even think about crying. He was so obviously, tangibly "here" with us.

It really was a Funk FAMILY bike ride.

I will remember that feeling the next time 

I am sad because he is "missing" something. 

Because it is a miracle.

American Widow Project

A few weeks ago I had the privilege of attending an AWP event.  AWP stands for  the American Widow Project.  A charity started by a military widow when she lost her husband at age 21.

I stumbled across the AWP website about a year after I lost Brad. I remember clearly the night I found it. I read the stories and cried, and read some more. I think I looked through everything on the site - wonderful resources, (many that I knew nothing about), songs and quotes and all sorts of "widow" things. Reading it made me feel less alone.  I remember thinking "finally! someone who gets it!" I was so grateful to have found it.

I knew they did events, and they cover all the expenses (which is awesome!)  but the girls were too little for me to seriously think about going on a getaway, and as years passed and they got old enough for me to leave the timing was just never right.

The first trip that I could even make work in our family schedule was the Seattle trip in July.  Even though I was really nervous about the thought of going to spend a weekend with a bunch of people I've never met I decided that I would register and see if I got in.

Well, I got in. And even while I was registering I knew going would be a good thing.
I felt like I was meant to go.

I was really excited and really, really, REALLY nervous about the trip. I worried that I would be the "old lady" of the group and I worried if I would really relate to the people I met there.

Well, it turned out that I had nothing to worry about.  They had a great weekend mapped out for us. We all stayed in this really cool house in Seattle and went Kayaking and zip-lining and did a food tour at Pikes Place market- SO fun!

But the BEST thing about the trip was meeting these amazing widows. While our life circumstances and backgrounds were all completely different, they understood the one thing no one else can. I saw pieces of myself in every widow there. Places I had been and places I hope to get too. I learned from each of them. It was such a healing and inspiring thing for me to be able to meet these fabulous ladies.  It was amazing to me that the AWP could throw together 10 people who have never met, have nothing in common except losing a husband in the line of duty and by the time the weekend is over we are like old friends - laughing and crying together.

I consider it an honor and a privilege to have met them and to be one of them.  

I am so grateful this wonderful charity exists. And so grateful that a 21 year old widow had the courage to follow her heart and start this amazing organization. If you are looking for a charity to support -THIS is it.

It was such a good thing for me. I came home with a fresh new batch of courage - feeling like I can do this and that I'm not alone. I had no idea how empowering it would be to meet other widows who have survived that dreaded knock on the door.   I came home with 10 new friends and full of inspiration.  Can't ask for much more than that :)

So this is my shout out to the ladies of the AWP. Taryn and TT. You are amazing. You do so much good.  Thank you for being brave and following your heart and thank you for inspiring others to do the same.  Widow Power :) 

Air Show

 I have a love hate relationship with Memorial Day weekend. I love that people remember and honor Brad more than on your average day. But it's also an emotional roller coaster weekend for me. I usually get a little pissed, missing my old memorial days spent with my sweet husband.   I'm usually grateful and a bit angry, sad, lonely, happy and proud all at the same time. It kind-of wipes me out. I never realized until I lost Brad how draining emotional roller coaster days can be.

This weekend our good friends came up to stay with us and go to the air show. We met them while we were in Florida and, while we don't see each other a ton; it's one of those friendships that just picks up where it left off.  I love seeing them. They remind me of my perfectly blissful days with Brad in Florida. They were in town for the airshow. Amanda  had asked if that was something I would be interested in going to - I love that she is sensitive enough to know that it would probably be something that was hard for me, but still asked just the same.  I told her that we would love to go and that it would be much more fun going with them.

I was trying to mentally gear up for it all weekend. It's funny how even the littlest reminders of my old life with Brad kindof knock the wind out of me. On the night they arrived in town the sight of Jeremy's patch filled green bomber jacket on my front room floor caused me to catch my breath a little. And flooded back memories of Brad in his identical jacket.

Flightsuits are the worst. I rarely go to base and have to mentally gear up when I do. It's mainly because flightsuits are everywhere. A guy had one on in Costco one day and I was not prepared to see it. I was walking around bawling like a crazy person and trying not to hyperventilate.  I LOVED Brad in his flightsuit. He was so sexy in it. I would tell him so every time he wore it - which was everyday. I would make this little whistle sound and tell him that he was SO hot and would he please turn around?  He would laugh and say that I was nuts. But I know he loved it. On mornings when he was on earlies he'd leave about 4:30 a.m. He'd come say prayers with me and kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me while I was still in bed. I would make that little sound while he was walking away and he'd laugh the whole way out to the car.

(yes... I know. Feel free to drool. It's impossible not too)

So Saturday we went to the airshow. Walking in all these memories came flooding back. Being out on the flightline, seeing the jets, kissing Brad after his 1000 hrs in the Eagle, fini-flights. The last photos we have of Brad are at Red Carpet day at Sheppard two weeks before the accident. He ran around with 2 yr old Sophie and showed her the jets. He loved that one of her first words was "umplane" which quickly evolved into "daddy umplane" anytime she would hear a jet overhead. She was certain that every one of those was her daddy. (and sometimes it was.)   Addie was 6 months old and I followed them around in the stroller while he put her in the cockpit and hung her from the nose. Sophie was having a blast. I love that memory. I am so grateful we went that day. But it made my heart hurt thinking about it on the flightline on Saturday.

I used to have an almost panic attack when I was around things that brought memories flooding back like that. It's getting better, but I still have to remind myself to breathe. There was a point on Saturday when I was starting to lose it and I was scolding myself. WHAT was I thinking coming here? Why was I putting myself through this? I missed him and our old life so much I couldn't breathe. The panic attack was coming on...

And then I looked at our girls.

The little girls were so excited to be there. They wanted to see Daddy's plane, so we walked first over to the F15's. Sophie walked all around and touched it everywhere she could. We lifted her up as high as we could get her so she could touch as much as possible. They were jets from Mountain Home AFB, so she was excited when I told her that Daddy had been stationed at that base.   Sophie wanted to know  what each plane was and what it did. Both she and Addie waited in line to try on the pilot gear. (which made me laugh because we have all of it at home..helmet, g-suit, gloves, vest, boots, the whole thing.)

They had a big bin of free plastic jets. I got to watch Ty explain to the little girls what type each one was and what they did.  Addie sat out with me while the Thunder Birds performed and loved it. She kept asking, " Is daddy's plane louder and bigger and faster than those? And I would say yes and smile because I KNOW Brad LOVES that she knows that.

So this is why we come. I want my girls to be so proud of what Brad did. I want them to gain an understanding and appreciation of what the Air Force does. And what it takes to be a pilot in the Air Force. It's the tip of the spear. The best of the best. I want them to know how much their daddy loved flying and loved serving his country. It makes me sad that Sophie and Addie don't get to experience it first hand through Brad like Tyler did; but I will teach them about it the best that I can.

So we will go to air shows and I will force down that panic attack by watching our beautiful girls.


We had a fun BBQ today with my amazing family and wonderful friends. My mom worked her butt off to make darling patriotic desserts in honor of Brad.

And tomorrow we will go to the cemetery and I will NOT hate this day. We will celebrate this amazing man whose love still carries me, calms me and reminds me what is really important.

We will celebrate our HERO.

 Major Brad "Gyro" Funk.

4 yrs

Yesterday marks the four year anniversary of Brad's death. I have felt this day creeping up. It stresses me out. I don't really despise or hate this day. Some people may find that interesting. The only reason for that is because I feel that Brad is closer on May 1st. (and that's saying something, because I feel that he is with us pretty much always) The past 3 May 1st's have shown me that miracles happen on this day. Like maybe he is granted permission to be a little more...tangible... on that day because of the meaning it holds for us.  Because of the pain involved with it.  May 1 2008 was my worst nightmare come true. But the May 1st's since have been different.  It is a tender mercy day now.

I still wouldn't say I really like this day though. I can feel it creeping up all of April. It's almost subconscious. I am usually more stressed and emotional and conflicted about it.  It marks another year without Brad. And that always makes me sad.

This year was extra interesting in the events leading up to this day.  About a week and a half ago the diamond fell out of my wedding ring. This ring incident deserves a post of it's own; but I will just say this for now:  Brad had designed the ring and had it made for me, he surprised me with it and it is safe to say that it is my most prized possession. (if you don't count photos)  I was devastated to find the diamond missing.

A few days later $3400 worth of fraudulent charges showed up on my debit card. Mainly just a pain in the butt and a time suck. I know it will be worked out; but it's still stressful.  (still waiting for that refund)

April 30 I decided to get some much needed work done in the yard. We were out there all day. I watered the newly planted flowers and the girls kept wanting to turn on the hose after I was done. I asked them to please not mess with the water.  We came in about 8 p.m. and got dinner and I went downstairs to get some supplies so they could make something to take to the cemetery the next day. On the way into the craft room I found myself standing in a hall full of soggy waterlogged carpet.  I could hear water running. Addie had turned on the hose outside hours ago. The hose has a sprayer on the end  - so I guess that combined with a cracked pipe makes a soggy, flooded toy room, closet and storage room.

And I kindof freaked for a minute. I yelled for Ty to help and my mom was here. We got the water turned off and hauled all the soggy toys out.  I got mad at Addie for turning the water on, and at Sophie for going in the closet where all my teaching stuff is that she knows she needs permission to touch. (about 50 soaked books on the floor were the result of her visit)  I Trashed a bunch of my best books  and then I sat down to cry. I remember saying aloud - Are you freaking kidding me? One more thing? and TODAY of all days! I had planned to go to the temple tomorrow and I just wanted a nice peaceful day to go to the cemetery and be with my girls. Now I was going to get to deal with this crap instead.

I sat there and cried for a while. My sweet little Sophie timidly came up to me. She said with a shaky little voice, "Mom, it's going to be ok. Do you know why? Because I just said a prayer." and then she started to cry a little.

 And she melted my heart.

  I pulled my little girls close and hugged them. We talked about how it is important to obey, but that it would be ok. That it was just stuff. And stuff can be replaced or we can just go without it. That's it's not really a big deal. People are always more important than stuff.  I said my own little prayer for help to calm down and know what to do and started to get to work.

Within a few hours this thing I thought was such a big deal really was ok. Between my parents and my awesome brother in law (who takes care of basically two lawns and two homes and is always there to help with whatever) and good neighbors who brought fans - it was ok.

On my way to the store to rent a carpet cleaner (really good at getting water out of carpet by the way) I was thinking - At first I had been so pissed that this had happened on this day.Because it was one more crappy thing that had happened in the last week or so and I was at my limit.  Because it was going to ruin my plans for tomorrow. - But I realized on that quiet drive when I had time to think -  What better day to be reminded that when something goes wrong how blessed I am to have people that drop everything and rush over to help. I have amazing family and friends and neighbors. What better day to be reminded that I am not doing all this alone.  And what better day to remember what really is important.  And that it's not stuff.

I vividly remember in the weeks following Brad's death thinking, all this crap we spend our time on everyday is meaningless. And we worry about it, and try to get more of it. Stuff. stuff we spend our time on and our money on. None of it matters at all. None of it is important.  In the moment when something that really IS important happens - everything you thought was such a big deal just immediately falls away. And the things that really matter are crystal clear.  For me those things we my family, and my knowledge of the plan and where Brad was and that there is more than just this life. My knowledge of my Savior, Jesus Christ and that because of Him, I would be with my sweet husband again.  And covenants that I was so grateful to have made. I have thought many times since how lost and hopeless life would be now for me if I didn't have that knowledge.

Thanks to my wonderful support system I got to keep my plans for May first. I got to have a date with my husband at the temple. I got to stand in the room where we were sealed and know that he is still there with me through all of this. I know he is RIGHT HERE with us. He still influences us and helps us and we feel his love lifting us and carrying us every day. And I know he feels our love as well. And that makes me so happy.

I got to be with my family and do everything I wanted to do on this day. I got to read kind notes from family and friends showing that they love and remember Brad. I got to hear his voice on a hud tape posted by a student pilot he flew with. (tears of Joy accompanied that) :) It was a day where tender mercies abounded. And it was the best May 1st I have had yet. And I appreciated all of it a little more.  And I think sometimes that right there; appreciating it - is the point.

US

Driving home tonight a Sugarland song came on the radio. All of a sudden I am thrown back into a memory with Brad. Driving home from Destin to Panama City. 

We would go to Destin for a date or with the family every once in a while.  I love that little stretch of road between. 30-A is probably my favorite highway ever. It meanders through darling little beach towns and it's a perfect way to waste a day. We would talk and laugh on the drive. Stopping at whatever caught our eye.  Rosemary Beach saturday market, Seaside, Destin Commons, little beach boutiques, Panera Bread, Cold Stone and Dippin dots. (yes, two ice cream places. And usually Brad would say, ya, I want some ice cream when I would say we should stop and then he would tell me to order first and say that was just what he wanted and that he'd just have a bite of mine. (he wasn't a big treat guy, and I was (am) a sugar addict, so he would pretend to want a treat so I wouldn't feel like I shouldn't get one.) He was a bit of an enabler to my addiction :)

So driving home tonight, hearing that song, All of a sudden I'm driving on 30-A. Singing at the top of my lungs to the Sugarland cd. Him laughing at me and shaking his head. Saying  "you're  really happy aren't you". More a statement than a question - and repeating a line from one of the songs, 

"so when you count all your blessings do you get a smile on your face?"

And I grinned from ear to ear. 

He made me so happy. 

And I LOVE that he always knew he did. 

 It's not that I'm not happy now. I think that for the most part I am. It's just not the same and I don't think it ever will be. I won't ever know that same happiness until I am in his arms again.  Because THAT happiness , that complete and utter joy, in all the little things- my perfect joy with everything about my life was so completely entwined with Brad. It is not something I can separate from him.  It is the US that made me so happy. Not just the HIM, the US. I still have him. I know that like I know the sun rose today.

I still know there is still an US, just like before- but it's harder to find US than it is to find HIM. I know just exactly where he is. Us is harder because  we were both changed by being together . We were both better and happier and everything good about each of us was multiplied by a million when we were US . And i'm just stuck here being the me by myself. I sometimes have a hard time finding the me I was when I was with him. He made me so much better. 

Never have I been so comfortable and content and happy with another human being in my life. The only way I can describe it is saying it's like coming home. Everyone should know that feeling. It's like you are empowered beyond anything you could ever be on your own. You create something new when you come together. And because of it everything you wanted to do, together, or on your own, is easier and safer and you can be brave and just fly - because you are invincible together.  We both gave that to each other.  And I know that gift of being US is not gone, but it has to be different now; and I miss that us feeling every minute.

I just finished reading the book Sunset by  S. Michael Wilcox. In it he talks about feeling like he was just so inadequate and diminished without his wife. That 2/3 of him was missing. There was she, and him and them together. 2/3 of that was gone now.  When we are left with just ourselves it takes so much away from the full self we were before with our other half.

I am so grateful to have these moments that I feel just as I did before the accident. Where I feel like I did when we were US. The song moment was one. They usually make me cry but not out of sadness. I love having that welcome feeling of US. Brad made me feel like I could do anything in the world when we were US.  I guess now that familiar feeling can help give me strength to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do;

which is to be here without him.

North Shore

I can not see the ocean without thinking of Brad.  He proposed to me on the beach. We got married and moved a few days later to our home in Florida. Not right on the beach, but close enough that when I needed to see the ocean I wasn't further than about 15 miles away. We spent our first two years of marriage loving being near the ocean.  Our honeymoon was on the beach. We made a million happy memories being on the beach and looking out into that vast ocean.

Our  family trip to Hawaii this winter was very bittersweet - for lots of reasons.  Heading off to a beautiful beach with my precious girls and without their daddy was one of those reasons. Knowing we were going somewhere Brad had loved visiting, and had so badly wanted to take us someday was difficult.  We ended up having a great trip. And I know Brad was with us the whole time. But being near the ocean always makes miss him terribly.

I remember during this trip looking out on those beautiful waves and thinking that they reminded me a little of how grieving the loss of my sweet husband feels sometimes.

 A huge swell came in while we were there and we went out to the North Shore to watch the wonder of the waves. It was amazing to watch them. A photo just does not do them justice. They were the biggest waves I had ever seen. The red flags were placed right up by the sidewalk. The guards didn't even want you to touch the sand, let alone the water.  I watched those waves roll up a few crazy surfers who did not heed the signs. One was trying to get out of the water. He was only a few feet from the shore - maybe 5-10 feet at the most. He was trying to swim out, swimming with all his might and was literally not moving at all. Those waves were so big they broke a few times on the way in. They broke again right where water met sand and were just pounding this poor surfer right into the ground.  The water swirled around ferociously after the break and by the time he got his footing another wave was crashing on his head.

I remember thinking that I know what that feels like.

My grief is somewhat like the waves. There are times went I get rolled up by one of those huge waves and smashed right into the sand. There are also times when it's calmer. When it's just a gentle rolling and while I'm still feeling it, it's not forcing me under and sucking the life out of me.

Everyone always says that time heals. I don't know that I agree with that completely.  Time has definitely helped. I don't know that I would say that it heals. With the passage of time those huge waves seem less frequent. But they still come.  The smaller waves are more common now.  And that is a good thing.  My grief seems to ebb and flow like the tides do.  And it's constant. It changes in intensity. And I'm learning to be a better swimmer; but it is constant. It's always there, swirling underneath even on the calm days.

When I do get hit by a North Shore wave, I know that I'm not swimming out of it alone. There are so many tender mercies I have been blessed with. They are kindof like life jackets that help me keep my head above water.  The nearness of my sweet husband is the strongest of those.  Sometimes he is so close that I look around, sure I will see.  Although seeing would be good; I'll take being lifted up out of those huge waves and being placed in softer seas. That's what he does for me. Still.

TAPS

Our little family attended out first TAPS event last month. TAPS stands for Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. TAPS provides support to all who have lost someone who served in the armed forces. I've been getting their magazine and emails for almost 4 years. I've always thought it would be good for us to go to an event, but it just never worked out.

One reason I thought it would be good for us to go was so we could be involved with a military event. (TAPS isn't specifically run by the military, but most of their volunteers are military and everything was held on base. The kids get to hang out with service men and women who volunteer to be their mentor for the camp)   The Air Force way of life was something that I really grew to love. I have missed it. I miss my kids being raised surrounded by it. I want them to know what their daddy did, and how much he loved it and WHY he did it. It's harder to teach that when you are removed from all things military.

  I was a little nervous to go actually. I didn't really know what to expect, but hey, we were going to the one in Hawaii, so if we didn't like it I figured we would just go to the beach instead.  It turned out to be much better than the beach.  It was just one day; but it was so good for all of us. The kids did their own thing - broken up into age groups. They got to meet kids who have all lost fathers. I got to meet other widows. It's amazing the instant bond you have with someone when you have that in common. It really did make me feel less alone. It was nice to be around someone who understood in a way that no one else can. It was heartbreaking to hear everyone's story; but it was very healing to be there together celebrating the fact that the people we love LIVED. That is more important then the fact that they died.

Daddy - Daughter

I told Sophie the other day that her dance class was having a daddy daughter party. I told her I could go with her, or Grandpa would love to go.  That she had lots of people who loved her and many people who would love to go.  

“So who do you think you want to ask to come?”

Sophie immediately replied with - “Well, Daddy is going to come with me.”

just matter of fact. Like it was a silly question.

She continued - “I can just explain to everyone in my class that my Daddy is in heaven, so that’s why he’s not playing the games. But that he is always with me.”

In my mind I was thinking a few things at once. That I LOVE this sweet little girl who teaches me about faith, and that I am so glad she knows her Daddy is close and would not miss this little dance party for the world.   I was also thinking that I can’t let her go into that party alone, because that would break my heart. I started to panic a bit, thinking about that.

She was quiet for a minute. And then she said, “ I guess you can come if you want to Mom. You can do the games with me.”

more silence.   and then...

“You know what Mom? I bet I’m the only one who gets to have a Mommy AND a Daddy that get to come. That’s Pretty cool.”

My sweet little Sophie.   Teaches me profound things.