beginning

so I have never done a blog before and I don't really know what i'm doing, but I need a place to write about my life and what I'm dealing with and I don't even know if I will make this public or not. but I do want my girls to read this someday  - and on hard days it helps me to go back and  read my thoughts from when I was feeling a little stronger.

here goes.

Mark  Chapter 12: 42-44

42 And there came a certain ^apoor widow, and she threw in two ^bmites, which make a farthing.

43 And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this ^apoor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:

44 For all they did cast in of their ^aabundance; but she of her ^bwant did ^ccast in ^dall that she had, even all her living.

Obviously from the title I am a widow. I do not , however, consider myself to be mighty. For some reason that title spoke to me. I like the play on words.  I'll explain why.   The story of "The Widow's Mite" in the bible  is only a few short sentences.  I had always thought of it as a lesson on tithing.  It is   more than that to me now.  I would like to be like that widow. When I think of what she did - casting in all that she had - it is obvious to me that she had great faith.  She was putting herself in God's hands and trusting Him to bless her for giving and to take care of her every need.

Since my sweet husband was taken I have learned many things. I did not want to have to learn them in this way. But pain, I have found can be a great teacher.  When you have no earthly way of receiving comfort  you begin to learn to rely totally on your Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ.  I thought that I knew what faith was and I thought I did rely on them before the accident. When I lost my husband I found that I had much to learn. I am still learning everyday. Some days are hard days and some days are - amazingly - happy. I never thought that I would be happy again when I first lost Brad. Those happy days are more frequent now, but I will always view them as a miracle.  it seems, in my experience, that when you suffer a tragic, heartbreaking loss, whatever it might be, you are then, at that exact moment ready to be taught - that you are NOT alone. and that there is infinite power available to you. To lift you and carry you along.  I believe the widow in the story knew and had known for probably a long time where her true source of strength was. She had faith that as she cast in those two mites; she would be taken care of.    

I am working on having faith like her.  She knows that she is mighty. Not because of her own strength or power, but because of the strength and power of the one who carries her.    I have learned since losing Brad, many important things - one of the most important is that I know, without a doubt, that I am not doing this alone. Not for one second have I been left on my own. Sometimes, when people speak of "the burdens that we all carry" I imagine mine. It is a mount Everest sized mountain that got dropped on me on the morning of May first when they knocked on my door in their blues. I think it probably smashed me just about flat. But even then. Before I really consciously asked for help. While I was still numb from shock. I felt it being lifted. The thought of ME carrying it is laughable.   That fact that I am functioning is evidence that it is being carried for me.

So,  "One Widow's Might" is a reminder to myself that I don't have to be mighty. I just need to remember the source from which my power comes and have faith that He can carry my burdens and heal my broken heart - and then I will be able to "cast in all that I have" and know that everything will be alright.