Kindergarten

I'm missing you extra today. Sophie starts kindergarten tomorrow and whenever I think about it I want to cry.   It's a combination of many things - I'm a little in denial that she is old enough to go. When I had little babies at home it was easier to deal with the fact that I won't be having any more. As they grow up it seems like that hurt gets a little worse.   Also, I think about all the things she will miss doing with you. School lunch visits and programs, etc. etc. Dealing with little kids who don't understand; saying she doesn't have a daddy. (She actually handles this one really well. - But it is heartbreaking to me to hear her explain. - but simultaneously so proud that she says without hesitation - Yes, I do have a daddy! His name is Brad and he is in heaven. He is hero and he loves me so much!)

I remember you coming to Ty's school in your uniform with all your gear - for the Veteran's Day Program. You made the kids laugh their heads off with your "red face". I'm not sure what it's called when you do that  g-force breathing , but it was a HIT.  You explained all about being a pilot and how planes fly. ( teachers afterward were talking about how you explained lift to them on their level SO well, they wanted you to come teach that unit for them.)  I remember Ty sitting a little taller in her seat and being so proud of her cool daddy.     For some reason  the school memories with Ty  - choir concerts, plays, graduation ceremonies, awards programs, field day, ball games - are all stuck in my brain on repeat and It breaks my heart that Sophie won't have that.

I know this day would be so fun for you. And I know that you will be right here with us. I know I need to get a grip and stop torturing myself with thoughts about all  Sophie will miss out on.  I know I need to stop being pissed that the school deleted all your info I wrote down on her registration card. (It didn't seem right to leave you off, like you were some dead beat dad, when it asked for information about her father; so I put your information in and wrote deceased in place of a phone number.  - When they asked me to double check the info on Back To School night everything about you was deleted. I kindof wanted to go kick the secretary on the way out and ask her if it really would have been so difficult to Type Sophie's Father's name on that stupid little card...)

soooo.... obviously I'm struggling a bit with this one.

The funny thing is - I am a teacher by profession. Elementary.  I quit when Sophie was born.  I should be overjoyed at the thought of her going to school. I love school. I know she will love it.  (and with Addie in preschool I will actually have 2 hours of kid free time, 3 days a week. ) I won't know what to do with myself! I've already got a to do list that would realistically take me about 5 years to complete that I will be working on during that time.

So there are some things that will be fun about it.  Sophie is so excited to go. and I really am excited for her too... I'm just sad about not sharing it with you.

I read this quote the other day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."

I guess it's been raining.  And so I'll just have to try to breathe,  resist the urge to kick the secretary, and wait this one out.  

not really alone

"I miss you extra today." she said as she walked

through the sand and allowed the tears to fall.

The  ocean was their place & she had loved
being there with him. Here he had asked her
to be his forever. They had lived & played
 & laughed  & carved their names in the sand.

It was hard to breathe without him today.

She talked to him as she walked & told him

how she  missed  him & wished he could walk with her.

She felt him  tell her that he was there;

that he was always there when she needed him.

She felt him tell her how he loved her

& that it  would  be  worth  it.

And although she could no longer see his face

she could feel his love lift her

and carry her along as she walked...

and she knew she was not really alone.

I love you my boy

Writer's Block

I have writer's block.

I've been trying to write for the past few months and I sit down and get something down and then I get freaked out about putting it on here. I'm not sure why. Now that this is "public" it is a lot harder for me to just sit down and write about how i'm feeling - I've got all these other thoughts swirling around in my head while I'm trying to do it; and I'm questioning everything I put down and over analyzing it.

Does that sound like I think I know everything? (I'll be the first to tell you that I do not)  Does that sound too whiney, or angry or  whatever ?- or on the flip-side; too rose colored? ( I read one post and thought - That sounds like I've just got it all together and it's not real. I think i've been unconsciously editing out some things because I'm trying to see the positive and I don't want to appear whiney etc. because I realize I have so much to be thankful for and I feel ungrateful when I focus on the negative.  - but I also need it to be REAL. If I edit out every negative feeling then it's no longer real. And the people for whom I am writing -3 little Funk girls - will know that, and it won't be as meaningful as it could be)

I also worry that someone could be offended by something I write. or -  I said something nice about person X and I forgot to mention this nice thing that person Y did..... it goes on and on and you can see why, with all that swirling around in there, I can't get a sentence out.

so..... I've decided two things.
1. I need to write because it has proven to be like therapy to me and my girls will benefit someday. It really has nothing to do with anyone reading it. (It was a lot easier to for me to do it when no one was reading - and it's not even that tons of people are reading; it's just the idea that someone COULD read it that's freaking me out)
2.  - I've either got to go offline or just throw all that crap that's swirling around in my head OUT.

I'm going to choose to do the latter right now.

I'm not going to worry about offending someone - so if you are offended; that's cool. Know that it's not intentional and you are politely invited not to read. It's not being written for you anyway.

I'm not going to worry about appearing whiney, or angry or negative. I'll be honest, I am all of those things sometimes. (I think we all are)

I'm not going to worry about if people think I'm dealing with losing Brad well, or right, or if they think I should "move on" or that I'm livin in la la Land. What would they know about it anyway? Everyone deals with death differently. And just because I deal one way and you deal another doesn't mean either of those are wrong. It's not a right or wrong thing. I have been amazed at how, for some inexplicable reason, people think they need to RATE how someone is dealing with whatever tragedy/trial they are going through  - or offer their opinion or say how they would NEVER do this or can you BELIEVE they are doing that. blah blah blah - Really? (that's an SNL "REALLY?" by the way)  I promise you one thing - you don't know what you would do.  So please don't place judgment on others.

Now... if you think I'm a know it all... you are correct.  Ha! (just kidding, OBVIOUSLY, I have a lot to learn)

 I'm just sharing how I am muddling through all of this. - I talk about the things that have helped me because I want my kids to know where they can turn for help. I need to talk about things that are difficult because I have three little girls in this house who know first hand how difficult it is. And they will continue to have new hard things in each stage of life they go through that are associated with losing their daddy. I want them to know that it is hard; but that they are STRONG. And they can do hard things. And most importantly, that they are not doing them alone.


So, with that off my chest, hopefully I can kick this writer's block.