I have writer's block.
I've been trying to write for the past few months and I sit down and get something down and then I get freaked out about putting it on here. I'm not sure why. Now that this is "public" it is a lot harder for me to just sit down and write about how i'm feeling - I've got all these other thoughts swirling around in my head while I'm trying to do it; and I'm questioning everything I put down and over analyzing it.
Does that sound like I think I know everything? (I'll be the first to tell you that I do not) Does that sound too whiney, or angry or whatever ?- or on the flip-side; too rose colored? ( I read one post and thought - That sounds like I've just got it all together and it's not real. I think i've been unconsciously editing out some things because I'm trying to see the positive and I don't want to appear whiney etc. because I realize I have so much to be thankful for and I feel ungrateful when I focus on the negative. - but I also need it to be REAL. If I edit out every negative feeling then it's no longer real. And the people for whom I am writing -3 little Funk girls - will know that, and it won't be as meaningful as it could be)
I also worry that someone could be offended by something I write. or - I said something nice about person X and I forgot to mention this nice thing that person Y did..... it goes on and on and you can see why, with all that swirling around in there, I can't get a sentence out.
so..... I've decided two things.
1. I need to write because it has proven to be like therapy to me and my girls will benefit someday. It really has nothing to do with anyone reading it. (It was a lot easier to for me to do it when no one was reading - and it's not even that tons of people are reading; it's just the idea that someone COULD read it that's freaking me out)
2. - I've either got to go offline or just throw all that crap that's swirling around in my head OUT.
I'm going to choose to do the latter right now.
I'm not going to worry about offending someone - so if you are offended; that's cool. Know that it's not intentional and you are politely invited not to read. It's not being written for you anyway.
I'm not going to worry about appearing whiney, or angry or negative. I'll be honest, I am all of those things sometimes. (I think we all are)
I'm not going to worry about if people think I'm dealing with losing Brad well, or right, or if they think I should "move on" or that I'm livin in la la Land. What would they know about it anyway? Everyone deals with death differently. And just because I deal one way and you deal another doesn't mean either of those are wrong. It's not a right or wrong thing. I have been amazed at how, for some inexplicable reason, people think they need to RATE how someone is dealing with whatever tragedy/trial they are going through - or offer their opinion or say how they would NEVER do this or can you BELIEVE they are doing that. blah blah blah - Really? (that's an SNL "REALLY?" by the way) I promise you one thing - you don't know what you would do. So please don't place judgment on others.
Now... if you think I'm a know it all... you are correct. Ha! (just kidding, OBVIOUSLY, I have a lot to learn)
I'm just sharing how I am muddling through all of this. - I talk about the things that have helped me because I want my kids to know where they can turn for help. I need to talk about things that are difficult because I have three little girls in this house who know first hand how difficult it is. And they will continue to have new hard things in each stage of life they go through that are associated with losing their daddy. I want them to know that it is hard; but that they are STRONG. And they can do hard things. And most importantly, that they are not doing them alone.
So, with that off my chest, hopefully I can kick this writer's block.